October 30, 2005 at 3:03 pm (Uncategorized)

I had a good week at work. I got knee deep in a couple of medical malpractice cases, where I wallowed like a pig in mud on an August day. Reading, writing, researching, the things in life I love most.

As for the paralegal job I have interviewed twice for, I have come to the conclusion, it is not for me. Without getting into rabid details, I don’t have the kind of enthusiasm I should have for it, and frankly, following another conversation with the HR manager, I wanted to… just tell them to forget it. I didn’t at the time and I should have. The HR manager called me again at home late Friday evening and I didn’t get the message until yesterday. I will call them back on Monday.

The fact is this: I’m a writer.

Let’s be honest about it. I read, I research, I write. Its what I’m best at, its what I love. While I get that opportunity in my current job, there are other things I have to do as well. I do them well, I just don’t like them as much and when they take center stage for too long a period of time, I get distracted. Its not about my boss or my co-workers, its about me and what I need to do to be happy.

Granted, financially, I need a job. I’ve been bringing myself back around to my current position and what has to be done. As wonderful as my boss is, I mean, come on, he puts up with me, he needs someone who has a better, well-rounded enthusiasm for the whole job, not just parts of it. However, its where I am and its what I have to do for now.

Trouble is, my boss has also been distracted with a lot of things, and somewhere in there, we lost our communication. My boss can be extremely moody and he’s been very moody for about the past 10 months. Its come to the point where I just don’t know what to expect. Its not that I don’t understand his perspective. I certainly do. I can’t get into that since its not anyone’s business but ours, but let’s just say, things have been so “iffy.” If its affecting the rest of the staff then it must be affecting him even worse. He realizes that the decisions he makes affect the rest of us and that’s a tremendous burden.

Problem is, I’m very sensitive to that. As much as I try and close off my empathic abilities, my boss is one of those few people that has such strong emotions boiling underneath that I cannot always block him off. I can go to his office totally psyched about something and come back wondering why I’m even trying.

People either love me because I know how they’re feeling or they hate me. Sometimes, I don’t even like that part of me that much. Especially when I have trouble blocking things out. I try not to let it affect me, but it does. That, I have to take responsibility for.

I also take responsibility for finding another job in a field better suited for me. That’s why I’ve spent a great deal of time searching Craigslist for writing jobs. All of them telecommuting. My only other option is to sell my soul and go back to college, perhaps while telecommuting. The world is my oyster right?

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