June 22, 2005 at 4:45 pm (Uncategorized)

How can one be ecstatically happy in one regard and be so completely and utterly miserable in every other regard?

Its not that I hate my job. I simply have lost all passion for it. It funds my life and it used to enrich it. I really love my boss. He’s a good person and a good man. I don’t like disappointing him but its getting harder and harder to get out of bed in the mornings.

Everything seems to be getting harder and harder. I can’t even get the freaking grass mowed. I know I’m depressed and I’m taking my meds so I’m just hitting a rough spot. Not everything is cured by a pill.

Neither of my neighbors like me much anymore, which they can kiss my ass. I’m sick of the church lady who used to keep Nate. Gawd, how can one person sit on the phone and gossip as much as she does? I swear if the phone isn’t attached to her ear she’s off running the roads. You want to know why I stopped going to church with my Mama and Papa? I recognized hypocrisy. I won’t even get into the hypocrisy I’ve seen from that bunch.

Just glad they aren’t as bad as the Breeders.

Or my parent’s neighbor.

As for Hagar and clan… don’t even see TLC that much. We’ve been getting home later in the day so Nate and TLC don’t have much of an opportunity to play together. Also TLC has learned from his parents how to use people and Nate put a stop to that. As in, TLC was only wanting to play with Nate when he could convince me to let them use the water hose or he could get game cheats from the computer. Again, I pay for my computer and my water… if that’s the only reason you want to come over, stay the fuck home.

Nanner is not in a good mood. I’m pretty sick of just about everything. I’m not going forward, but I’m not going back. Just sitting here, rocking back and forth, unable to do either. Not going back is good, not going forward sucks.

I know it won’t always be like this. I know I’m going to get things straightened out and inch by inch move forward toward where I ultimately want to be. I just have no patience for waiting. I want things done yesterday. I know, deep in my heart, the waiting, the patience is a good thing. I know that plotting and planning my next move, whether mental or physical, is a good thing. I keep in mind that the Goddess watches over me and occasionally you have to stop trying to manipulate everything and go with the flow. Give it over, so to speak.

Hand it over to a higher power.

I made my first breast cancer awareness ribbon. I like it except for the fact its made with cheap beads so the colors even rubbed off on the thread. Schtupid cheap beads. Can’t wait to buy some real beads to do it with. I might be doing the jewelry/headpiece for my friend’s wedding. I’m excited about that.

Everything in due time…

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