Quiet

May 20, 2005 at 4:06 pm (Uncategorized)

Quiet

I’ve been quiet and contemplative. Not to mention, busy – busy beading. I find that working with my hands reduces the noise and chatter in my mind. It has a lot to chatter about. I found a pattern for the angel from the same lady who did the witch pattern. Notice there are no arms on the angel but I can put arms on it and something in its hands. I made my first fairy using a combination of both patterns. She’s very cute. I almost had another done but… alas I messed up her wing.

Enough of beads.

I’ve had several reasons for being quiet and contemplative. My dad is one. We still haven’t heard anything. Not like its going to do any good. They will just want to do a biopsy but I do much better when I know for sure what something is and what’s going to be done. My dad and I are cool, so… whatever happens, we’re cool with it. We’ll be okay.

I’ve been running away, mentally, from other things. Other feelings. Questions – questions without answers. (One of my favorite quotes from LOTR) Like all things though, I must eventually pick them apart and examine them, finding what answers I can and accepting the rest as just a part of life. Just a part of my part in this life. Just a part of my growth.

So, that seems simple enough but when I pick my emotions right now, I sit and examine them and through the love and happiness I find anger and sadness. I try not to be but then I realize I’m justified in my anger and sadness and its as much a part of me as the rest. Its sad when you can’t recognize love because its so good, so natural, so calm and quiet and beautiful.

I’m angry because all the love I’ve ever known has been cold and manipulative, painful and anxious. I think back to the times I’ve seen my parents recently, or talked to them on the phone and gotten that anxious twinge, wondering if they were going to find something to complain about or not like the color of my hair. Like yesterday when my mom called, she asked if I was still moving. Now, there’s a loaded question. The answer to that is yes. The real question is “when.” That, I don’t know. Its in the one year to 18 month plan.

Why did she ask? Because I need a building. (That’s what she says) And she was going to buy me a building. Didn’t matter if I wanted one… She was going to buy one. I need all kinds of things. You know, a building and central air/heat (so says she) and the floors sanded (although I would prefer to carpet the living room since its so cold in the winter but of course because Nate is allowed to be a kid and be himself its better if I don’t, I mean, what a waste! So says she.)

Now, where the fuck did this come from? You got me!!! She just calls me out of the blue and tells me all of this stuff that I NEED. What the fuck? No, I NEED to pay Nate’s school lunch bill!!! I NEED $500 a month for summer camp!! I NEED to pay off my car!! I don’t want my parents buying me shit. If I want it, I’ll buy it!!

And then, I told my mom that I had decided I was going to build a bookcase with the wood from The Relic (waterbed). She said, “I thought you had one.” Yeah, but I need ten more!!! I have a gazillion books!! Not to mention all this bead stuff, and CDs and DVDs and videotapes. There were twelve drawers in that waterbed… and they are the PERFECT SIZE for a bookshelves. And the wood is soooo good, much better than any particle board/pressed wood bookcase from Wal*Mart. I’ll get to it… soon. Like everything else. Just think, if I put one piece at a time, it should be done in 30 days…

I digress. I’m avoiding the subject.

Love always felt conditional and I never met the conditions. The bar was always set higher. That’s what I was used to and over this past year, okay 51 weeks – my blogiversary is on the 27th – I’ve learned there is no bar. I refuse to acknowledge any fucking bar. You know I still know that bar is there but ignoring the bar is difficult. Its like Neo in The Matrix… “There is no spoon.”

* Side note – I forgot Neo’s name, so I asked Celti on IM:

inanna1121: What is Keanu Reeves character’s name in the Matrix? Nemo?
inanna1121: Nero? Neno? Nena?
Celti : *Laughing face*
Celti : Neo
Celti : Nemo was the clownfish
inanna1121: OH… Neo… Oh, like NEW… Gotcha!
Celti : *giggling face*
inanna1121: LOL!!! I KNOW!!! But, I thought they might have the same name!!!
Celti : did you take the red pill or the blue pill?
inanna1121: *ROFL* da blue onnnnnnne *

Digression.

How do you forget there is a spoon? You see the spoon so why is there no spoon? Maybe I should watch the other Matrix movies to find out.

Digression.

So, dummy me, trying to figure out how I can have all of these strong feelings for il mio amore and not be in love. I realized I had no idea what love really felt like. What do you mean love isn’t synonymous with anxiety? And fear? What’s all this about? Where’s the bar?

Love is patient and kind, not jealous and rude. Love leads me to bear the unbearable, believe the unbelievable, hope where there is none, and endure the endless.

Love has not other desire than to fulfill itself – Khalil Gibran

There is no bar.

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