April 26, 2005 at 9:35 pm (Uncategorized)

Have you ever been going along and stop and wonder if you’re where you should be? Do you find yourself wondering why traffic seems lighter? Have you stopped and looked around wondering where everyone has gone? Why is everyone moving so slow when my mind moves so fast?

I did this today on my way home from work. The streets just didn’t seem to have as many people as before and the traffic back up on the Interstate doesn’t seem to be as bad and hasn’t been for a couple of weeks now. Maybe its been months.

My job doesn’t suck. I don’t suck at my job. We’ve just become incompatible. I sit and stare at the work knowing what I must do. Knowing I’m fully capable of knocking those two three-inch folders of medical records out but I find myself not giving two shits about the case. I feel sympathy for my client but I already know about toxic mold. I know how it comes to be and how hard it is to eradicate and you’re just better off building a new house and heaven forbid it should get in the duct work.

I know I’m doing a shitty job. My boss isn’t leaning on me too hard but he’s noticing I’m not turning over my work like I used to. And the shittiest thing is … I rarely, if ever, work to my potential. I don’t have to. They’re happy with 75%. To them it seems to be a 100. I seek ways to stimulate myself, none of which has anything to do with work. I can do it. But I don’t want to.

One of the other paralegals, Dee, drug in this morning late and just looked at me with disgust in her brown eyes. I asked her what was wrong and she said, “I just didn’t want to be here today.” The secretary said the same thing. A malaise has descended on us. Or perhaps they have caught it from me. Dee has been a paralegal for over 20 years. She told me the other day she was just sick of it. I failed to ask what she would do if she didn’t have to worry about supporting her husband.

That may be out of line on my part. Although, that empathic part of me says she bargained for something else other than she received and she’s too tired to buck it.

All of my vibrations have been centered on one thing and it seems as though my spirits are sitting back in breathless anticipation ready to pounce when the time is right to advance their agendas. They don’t always agree. Nothing like a spirit fight to get the blood pumping. I hate having to referee the voices in my head. Perhaps I shouldn’t say they’re sitting back… its more like they’re holding back, circling like a pack of jackals, waiting. I mean that in the most positive way possible.

One part of me says I need to stick to what I know and I need to make money if I’m going to move. Yeah, this is true. The other part says I need to stop blogging so much, stop having the comfort of writing a stream of conscious missive instead of something I have to think about and develop. Not that telling a story and writing like this isn’t good, it is. But it has its pitfalls as well.

I found my erotica novella in hard copy and set about reading it and naturally, editing. It feels good. It feels good to look at this thick pile of papers and know that I wrote all of those words. I wrote them and they invoke passion and sadness and joy and excitement. And so many other things.

That is so powerful. I just can’t waste that gift.

(To be continued…)

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