Back To Your Regularly Scheduled Blog

January 19, 2005 at 10:49 am (Uncategorized)

I have more pictures but I don’t have any of them scanned yet and once they are I have to receive the “a-okay” from the KC-7 to post them. None of mine are that interesting anyway… oh wait, there is that one of Regan’s boobies…

Anywho. Sunday evening I was chatting with Lex who asked point blank if I “got any” while in Kansas City. Umm… no. Sorry, damnit I didn’t. Now, he’s been doing this thing where he flirts with me and acts like he wants a piece of this and then retreats and doesn’t speak to me for a couple of days. Now, if you make me blush (and I don’t mean my face) and then decide to, I dunno, IGNORE me, this is not the way to get into my pants. This is probably the third time in as many weeks that this has gone on.

Damn. Why do people make me HAVE to be mean? Why do they MAKE have to stand up for myself? He may not get an earful but he will definitely be at the receiving end of my caustic tapping, typing fingers. Prick. Be up front about it… if you want to fuck, say it. If you want to perhaps have a relationship with me again, get your head out of your ass and say it. If you want neither and you’re just fucking with me, go away. Like I have time for this.

AZ called me… when was it? Before I left to go to KC. I blogged about it. Then he IMs me Monday night. This is unusual. We’ve chatted before but normally we start chatting and then he calls me. I’m still all good and fine with how things are. However, while in Kansas City, sitting in the back of the circling vehicle, fighting back nausea from car sickness, staring at the beautiful Kansas City skyline, I thought of him. I had an urge and desire to write to him.

I haven’t written to him in a very long time. I, at first, thought I wasn’t going to say anything about what I was feeling or how my feelings had changed. That’s what I do though… I let things sit and run through my mind and ponder and think and ponder more. Done pondering. I have no desire to hurt AZ in the least little bit. I know he’s messed up in the head. I know he suffers from depression. I know a lot. I can’t fix him but I can tell him where I see his life to be. AZ is not the kind of person that will come out and say, “I need you,” but he will act “needy” in his very AZ way.

This is what I was talking about in my “Reason, Season, Lifetime” post (December 15). It used to be if he felt me drifting, he would do something to pull me back… the hang on…the hope. I’m wise to that now and much wiser to know it has nothing to do with me as a woman or an object of affection or desire but as a friend. A friend who has put up and stood up. A friend, that no matter what an ass he is, has the capacity to understand and still be there. I wasn’t sure I could do that and not “fall” back into my old mindset and hopes and dreams and desires, but I can.

I started writing him a letter yesterday, using the above post as I guide of sorts and even quoted part of it. I’ll try to finish it today, perhaps I’ll post it for posterity, perhaps not.

Two inches of snow fell this morning in the 15 minutes before commute and fucked up the roads. The Interstate was five miles an hour… so, I’m behind already. Happy Humpin’ Day!

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