Could My Life Get ANY Stranger???

December 16, 2004 at 10:32 am (Uncategorized)

What is it about the end of the year that peeps feel compelled to right wrongs and move forward? This has been a week of revelations!!! Case in point. Lex.

He IM’d me yesterday while I was at work. “How ya doin’ baby?”

Baby? *scrunches forehead* Okay, what the fuck is going on??? We chit-chatted… talked about traveling, the Super Bowl… then he said he would look for me tonight online. Wha??? Huh?

Sure enough… I was sitting at my desk, minding my own business when he pops up. He asked about Nate’s dad, as in, what does he look like. I told him and asked why he wanted to know. (Just so you know, Nate’s dad and AZ… ummm… hate each other. And since AZ and Lex work together… you saw where my mind went) Anyway, he related that while in a local Christmas parade he was harassed by a cop of the same city that Nate’s dad used to work for. (Nate’s dad is disabled from the force).

I told him that I was sorry to hear that happened to him but glad I wasn’t the cause. He said, “You’ve never been the cause. You’re the sweetest, most intelligent woman I’ve ever known.” (I’m paraphrasing… he was actually a lot nicer than that)

*Inanna scratches head* I said thanks, wondering what the fuck was going on. Did I really need this?

Ahhhh, grasshaaaapers…. he has a problem (I think we all know this already… but… for those of us just joining the game….) He said a lot of things about not being right in the head (Yep, knew that) and about how he feels as though if he does not let people into his “world” then there will be less emotional pain involved.

THANK THE GODS!!! What an open door for me to walk through. *giddy dancing* I told him that was bullshit. I told him how much pain it caused me because he DIDN’T let me in and that was the EXACT reason I stopped seeing him. Get this… he said, “I cared about you too much to let you into my world.”

*Confused look* That does not make a bit of sense to me. Okay, it does make sense but it makes no sense, if you get the sense of what I’m talking about. He feels as though because he has no idea where his life is going or how long he’s going to be here that he shouldn’t love nor be loved nor include anyone in his life to the degree that they would get too close to him, therefore sparing them the pain when he leaves.

I told him that was a real nice excuse to not be intimate with someone but it was and is a crock of shit. He’s scared, just like the rest of us. Let’s face it. None of us know where we will be this time next month. What if I finish that screenplay and sell it? How is my life going to change? Think about it. Life can change any minute. A child is born. Someone dies. Life changes.

I’m now painfully aware, however, that not everyone sees it that way. Whatever happens now, I know I have the strength to face it. Life is a series of lessons to be learned so we become stronger and wiser. Some of those lessons are so painful, we wonder if the light will ever appear above us again. Some don’t ever make it out. Some do but then squirrel themselves away, like Lex… living superficially, which to me, is not living at all.

The past is gone. It may influence who you are, but it certainly shouldn’t dictate your future. My friend PC wrote a poem about he and I once. Somewhere I still have a copy of it. It was called… “The Coin???” PC, help me out if you remember. But in that poem he talked about how one side of the coin is battered and scarred, heavily used, while the other side has a few nicks and scratches but is otherwise smooth. I was the battered side and he was the smooth side. A testament, at that time, to how we lived our lives.

My side of the coin has many more scars on it and I’m happy (sort of) to report that so does his. I don’t like it when he’s hurt or unhappy but I know he’s taking the bull by the horns and living and learning. Actually, he’s really kind of shocked me since moving back here from Georgia. He’s definitely changed.

As for Lex, I’m happy at least to see him talking about this. This is the first big step. Admitting there’s a problem. I wasn’t real nice about it. I came down pretty hard on him and asked him a lot of hard questions, not just about himself, but his current relationship and about what happened with us. And my stomach never twisted in a knot, the butterflies were quiet. Before… I would have been a mess saying the things I did… because of my abandonment issues. Afraid to speak my mind for fear the people I cared about would walk away. Its good to look back and see how far I’ve come.

Unfortunately, I also remembered something else. Why I was attracted to him to start with: his heart, his soul, his intelligence, almost like a butterfly struggling to free himself from a cocoon. Remembering how we used to rest our foreheads together and hide behind our hair (both of us have long hair). I missed him. I missed the person I know he is, all the while knowing… he won’t show that person and… I can’t be with someone who won’t let me in. (I also boxed his ears over what he said about my cats. HMPF!)

I think him living with his mom is just another way to avoid intimacy. We discussed our highly evolved emotional defense mechanisms. Yes… of course I have one… but I’m learning to use it a lot more wisely. I don’t keep everyone out, I’ve just learned who’s healthy enough for me to be let in. Sort of like a nice filtering system.

Like I said, I’m glad he’s at least talking about it. It gives me a lot of hope for him. He really is a sweet guy… a jerk at times… but nonetheless, a very sweet, screwed up guy. Sometimes I really hate being reminded of how much I care about somebody. I just hope he gets his head out of his ass and works on letting himself open up to people. There’s nothing I can do about that though. All I can do is listen, give him the tools and encourage him to be a mechanic.

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