Reason. Season. Lifetime.

December 15, 2004 at 1:06 pm (Uncategorized)

I talked to AZ yesterday. Saturday was his birthday and I called to see how it went. He said, “We uh.. errr.. I went to (big expensive seafood restaurant) for lunch.”

(Frown) Does he think he has to lie to me? That makes me mad. I’m not sure if he doesn’t want to say, “I and the GF went to lunch at (seafood restaurant)” because he knows how I feel about him (or felt) and thought it might hurt me (please, I’m an adult, I can handle it) but… I have the feeling, he just doesn’t want me to know if he’s dating someone or not. Like… if I’m kept in the dark, then he has a better chance of getting what he wants when he wants it. Keeping me off balance….

There is no doubt that AZ has been the number one influence in my life for the past, almost, 13 years. He has shown me the path and I have taken it. Not in regard to the two of us, but in regard to myself. He’s the one who showed me the bootstraps, but I’m the one who pulled myself up.

AZ has been there for me during the transition of teenager to woman, childless to mother, living at home to homeowner, co-dependent to independent. And I realized… that transition is complete.

I realized that I’ve grown and changed and the direction that I have changed in, is not the direction that he is in anymore. I have resisted this. I have felt lost without him in the past, when we haven’t spoken, when we’ve stayed away from each other. When I began blogging, I did drift away from him. Why? Because most of you (Ye bloggers) are going in my direction. He’s not.

I’m not bitter or even sad anymore about the fact that he won’t be honest with me. He has his selfish reasons I’m sure. Yes, he is selfish. I’ve known this for a very long time. Oh, he has many redeeming qualities as well. But I’ve seen less and less of them. In 12 years, he’s never remembered my birthday. Ever. I just finally got tired of that. I don’t need gifts or gushing celebration songs… a phone call would suffice… ON my birthday, not as an after thought.

Even more, the hiding of his girlfriend (I guess that’s what she is). Even if I brought her up in conversation… like yesterday he told me he was going to a town over two hours away through the mountains… very rural… and when I asked, “why are you going there?” He deftly avoided the question, even when I repeated it. My guess is, it had something to do with the GF. So what? Big deal. Does he not think that by telling me about her or what they do together would help me realize how things are NOT going to work out for us? Or is that it? That he’s afraid I will realize that and I won’t be his “fall back” any more?

Sorry, I put that “somewhere in the 130’s” intelligence to work and figured that out for myself. The realization didn’t hit me as hard as I thought it would. It was more of a relief than anything. Anytime I have thought of cutting him loose (i.e. not calling him, not going to see him at remotes, not writing him letters) I have dissolved into tears. Not this time.

When I answered the questions, especially the ones about what I would change, what my regrets were, and about “the one who got away,” I realized, everything is exactly where it should be. I wouldn’t change anything. I have no regrets. And AZ didn’t get away… he turned down every opportunity he had.

It was a liberation of sorts to realize… I don’t need him. I definitely don’t need someone who I feel is purposefully misleading me for their own gain, whether its meant viciously or not. I don’t believe it is vicious at all. It just speaks of bigger problems in his life. The ones he’s not willing to face in order to facilitate emotional growth.

It used to be, if he felt me drifting, he would do something to pull me back… the hang on… the hope. Some would call that, “having your cake and eating it too.” That won’t happen this time. I know now, what I knew last year at this same time but wasn’t strong enough to face. I couldn’t be with him because he isn’t healthy; emotionally he’s a basketcase and even as I was willing to open myself to others in the quest to work through the pain in my life which kept me a train wreck… he hasn’t and chances are, he never will.

I’ve worked too hard to be with someone who would rather wallow in their pain instead of working through it. If we’re ever together, those changes would have to happen before and he would have to initiate it. Not me and I’m not waiting.

I hate to say this because it sounds conceited and uppity, but, I’ve outgrown him. I’ve transitioned away from him. Although he was the catalyst to a lot of the positive change in my life… he didn’t follow his own advice, nor did he follow me through the portal and I’m not going back. No one could save me and I can’t save him. He knows where I’ve been. He knows where I am now and he knows there’s a difference. If he chooses to make changes, then he does and he knows where to find me if he needs someone to talk to.

I’m sure we’ll speak. I’m sure he’ll call or I’ll call him, just to catch up. There won’t be anymore letters though. I don’t feel as though I can share such intimate feelings anymore with someone who won’t give me the time of day to make a comment about them.

I believe that over the years, we have discussed the emotions I have poured into the letters I have written him perhaps five times. 13 years. Can you imagine how many words I have written him in 13 years? Since May 27th of this year, I have written 113,000 words on this blog. Some of the letters I wrote to him were 25 pages typewritten. This post at this point is 1,005 words and two typewritten pages. Imagine. Even half of this. Let’s say by the end of the year I have 120,000 words. Even if only half that were written over a year, that’s 780,000 words (at a minimum).

780,000 words, words of my feelings, thoughts… hopes, fears, sadness, rage… happiness. A lot were rants… but some were honest questions… pleading almost for him to be honest with me. To talk to me about us, about where I stood, about where, if anywhere, we were going and 780,000 words later… I still don’t know.

Now it doesn’t matter. I always wished someone would come by and pick me up and make me whole again. That someone is me. No one can fix us or change us. It all comes from within. They give us the tools and tell us to fix our own cars. That’s what he did. Sad that he hasn’t used the tools I’ve handed him but I can’t help that, nor change it.

There are no tears nor sighs of regret or longing. Our season has passed. That is all.

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