I’m Upset… But Not Upset… But I’m Upset

November 29, 2004 at 11:02 pm (Uncategorized)

On Thanksgiving Day, after the hunt was over and darkness had fallen, I went back to the farmhouse to ‘face the music.’ That would be… my family, collectively.

I do not have a warm and fuzzy relationship with my brother and his wife. I’ve tried. It hasn’t worked. Being the perceptive individual that I am, I realize it will always be this way. They probably don’t approve of my life any more than I approve of their’s. Okay.

What I’m upset about is really more than one thing… its two or three things combined, maybe four. They just all mix together in some bizarro fashion.

First is Nate. He’s never really been around babies, just J1 and J2 but he didn’t see them very often and he was all of three when J1 was born. I was sitting holding Annie and he came in and sat down beside of me and asked if he could hold her. I sat her on his lap and he held her carefully and talked to her while I battled the four arms and two heads attempting to decimate them, known as The Nephews. They are sooo rough with her! They pull her little head around, twist her arms, get in her face… poor darling. Nate just sat with her and I could tell… he wanted one.

I want one for him. I want one for me. I want one for us… whoever the collective “us” is. This is not the first time that Nate has brought the issue up. He really wants a baby sister, I think he would take a baby brother but has definitely told me he wants a baby sister. He told me on the way home that The Nephews were way too rough. He’s so protective of her.

This leads me to what else is bothering me. How The Nephews are allowed to treat, not only each other, but my niece. My SIL and brother, well… if they want to let their sons boss them around and slap them across the face (yes, J2 hauled off and slapped my SIL across the face as hard as he could and she did…. um… nothing) then so be it. But dear God, they slap, punch, kick, pinch, pull hair, talk back, throw tantrums, sling food… and this puts a lot of stress on my parents when they are there. It puts stress on me and Nate too because now The Nephews have taken to fighting over Nate. Nate came home scratched and bruised because he got caught between them.

The Nephews are absolutely the cutest little boys you could ever hope for. My niece is an absolute doll. She is sooo sweet. I told my brother that and his response was, “Well, she’ll be as rotten as the other two before long.” Oh, like this is no big deal that he’s raising a posse of undisciplined disciples of Satan! Nate may not jump at every word I say but he knows what is right and wrong and he’s figured out that what The Nephews do, is wrong. This bothers him.

And this bothers me. As I was looking through my SIL scrapbook, I came across the story of how Annie came to be. Seems my SIL cannot ovulate by herself. She takes a particular drug that makes her ovulate or a follicle ripen. She then goes to the fertility doctor and they do an ultrasound to see if its working. If it is but not moving on, then they shoot her up with progesterone. All well and good, I knew she needed a little extra help in that department.

In the scrapbook she talked about how “we just couldn’t wait to have another baby… so we went to Disney with the boys first… blah, blah, blah” Heh, I had figured that out myself. Big trip = new baby. Then she goes on to say that she had a certain amount of time, blah, blah… and my brother had just flown back from Alabama. This whole “we” thing, was bullshit. My parents were with my brother when my SIL called to give him the big news. He was, shall we say, less than thrilled. Which is sad. For me, its sad. No one’s life is perfect and whatever facade my brother and SIL were going for sort of crumbled in that moment.

Whatever my brother does for Annie, its done with a mechanical indifference. He feeds her but doesn’t look at her. He holds her but away from him. He used to come in and if one of us was holding J1 or J2, especially J1, then he would talk to them as babies and with Annie, oh well. Its not Annie’s fault. Its his fault for not having the balls to stand up to his wife and its my SIL’s fault for taking matters into her own hands. I don’t know what the deal is there but I see three perfectly good kids, smart kids (so far), being completely wasted.

Oh and what I would give for them to be mine. That’s what really bothers me. I would love to have more kids…. kidssssss… not just one more, although I’d settle, but I’d prefer three. Hell, I’d adopt a whole family if I could. But alas.

My brother is a fucking moron and his wife is a bitch. Yep, she loves shoving them out but by God if she wants to actually act like a parent. Being a parent means being the bad guy sometimes. It means saying “no” and meaning it and yes, it’s a hard fucking job!! I KNOW! I think of my poor Nate, and how they talked about him before we found out about the seizures and the ADHD. He has his problems but God, he’s a damn good kid all in all. He’s sweet and kind and he LOVES so much!!

So many things I want for us….

Its hard to keep my spirits up sometimes. I put out some feelers… you know, “going for it” in a sense with some of my crushes but have come up… no where. That’s hard, really, really hard. Sometimes I think men think I’m teasing them or some shit when I express interest or… I don’t know. Its like, “yeah, right, uh huh.” Yo, fucktard, I’m serious!!! What? You think I’m doing this for my health? No you nimrod, its because I LIKE YOU. That goes for my crogs too. Nothing like having your hand slapped for trying to dip into the pot.

Yeah, well, I’m an emotionally complex individual. I know I am. Deal with it. Can’t handle it, don’t want you anyway. I’m not bitter, I’m more confused than anything. People who don’t have it, want it. People who have it, take it for granted. Yes, I just generalized a whole, whole lot. My blog. Bite me.

This is one of those nights, I go outside and stare at the moon and the stars and say… “What the FUCK?” Then as I sit here writing, Nate brings me a bracelet he made me with some letter beads I had bought him. It says, “Nate and Mommy.” That makes it better. Time to be thankful for what I have instead of grousing over what I don’t have. Injustice is the way of the world and the world owes me nothing, except…


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