Open Windows

November 20, 2004 at 6:34 pm (Uncategorized)

The weekend is shaping up to be as shitty as I hoped it wouldn’t be. Sperm donor has decided to rear his ugly head because his girlfriend dumped him, again. Big Whoop. His coping techniques are sorely lacking. It becomes not just her fault, but my fault and his first ex-wife’s fault and his second ex-wife’s fault and none of his. Nate is spending time at his uncle’s house instead of with his dad, which is just fine with me because Sperm Donor sounds like he’s had about a case of beer. Unfortunately, or fortunately, his uncle lives right next door.

A question into the safety of my child, yes, I said MY child, turns into a free for all with him yelling at me for not keeping my house clean enough or my car (whaa??) and that I shouldn’t be trying to cause shit and give him shit. Hmmmm… when it concerns Nate, I’ll stir as much shit as I want, as often as I want. Normally, I am the least likely of any to cause any shit. I’m tired though. I know what he’s doing and, its okay, I can handle it, I’m a big girl and I have strong, broad shoulders. He knows what he’s doing is wrong so he opens every can of worms he can find (i.e. my messy house) to deflect guilt onto someone else.

This used to make me question my abilities as a parent because my house IS messy and my car is too. His isn’t but then again… he only has kids every other weekend. I know the shit slinging is just his way of trying to break down my self-esteem and bring me back into line. That’s one thing I think he can say he hates about me. He can’t break me. I’ll bend, I’ll bend back until my face is parallel to the floor but I won’t break. I can’t.

That’s what I’ve learned about life. It throws you some pretty serious curveballs and some of them knock you on your ass and I’ve been knocked on my ass more than once. That’s what they make bootstraps for, so you can pull yourself up. Pitying yourself will get you no where.

I’m reluctant to go out this evening because of this situation. You never know when that call will come in the middle of the night, it has before, and I like to be prepared if it does. It sucks and I wish Sperm Donor would find better means of dealing with his pitfalls in life but that’s the way it is. Not going out tonight will not make me or break me. I was angry but… what’s the point, it just makes me more like him. It is disappointing but that’s life.

Life hurts all of us, no matter who we are. We suffer disappointments and broken hearts but it doesn’t give us the right to drop out of the human race and shirk our responsibilities. Nate has weathered every major storm in my life with me. It was Nate who kept me in the race, who kept me sane and sober and moving forward and forward and forward, until I got my head out of my ass and made myself learn how to better deal with my life not just for him, but for me.

I often wonder why people look at me the way they do. Its not like my life has been any more difficult than anyone else’s. Matter of fact, I’ve had it pretty damn easy compared to some. I don’t want anyone to feel sorry for me and I certainly am not going to use attention seeking behavior, bad, bad behavior to illicit it from someone else. How embarrassing. How fucking embarrassing!!! You break down in the bathroom, you bawl your eyes out until you have snot running down your face, then you clean up and open the door and wha-la… you’re still alive. You don’t give up.

I always figure too, there is some underlying reason why I won’t be where I had planned to be. Just like two weeks ago, it was the opposite. Being somewhere where I hadn’t planned to be. Funny ole world isn’t it? So it shall cycle… and as a door closes, a window opens.

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