No Good Title

November 19, 2004 at 1:06 am (Uncategorized)

I called AZ today. I had a few things to say. Such as, after he said he had been very busy and was tired, I said it sounded like he could use a backrub and a blowjob. Eh, why not get to the crux of the matter? I reminded him that it had almost been a year since he was here, in my house, alone with me. He said, “Damn, yeah, I guess it has.” I think I said something along the lines of “too long without your dick in my mouth.” Yeah, I was trying out my subtlety. Clever girl aren’t I? I didn’t think so either.

Anyway, I asked if I should stop and he said, “I’ll let you know when to stop.” That means… never? Amongst my sexual overtures we did manage to have a blunt conversation. Yes, it gets more blunt. How? Here’s how…

If you’re just joining the program… AZ and I have been friends for almost 13 years. We’ve never had sex but we’ve gone just as close to it as one can get without doing it. I love him and I’ve been in love with him, off and on, throughout those almost 13 years but with the help of me blogger friends, realized, things are the way they are and they’re not going to change. Does this change the fact that he excites me sexually like nobody’s business? No. Does this change the fact that he is one of my best friends? No.

I told him a story, which I have not related here because I’m not certain the other party involved still remembers my blog URL and therefore, I do not want a shit storm. I am trying to save some feelings here. The story though relates back to AZ and I in this way… in the way of not wanting to tell someone you love and care about how you’re pretty sure you will never be with them… like 99.9% sure and you know if you tell them in that blatant way that it is going to hurt their feelings beyond belief and having been there… you just don’t want to do it?

I was put in that position not long ago. In the middle of my jaw dropping through the floor, I realized that the situation that I was now in, is the same situation that I had placed AZ in, more than once, about whether or not we were going to give it a go. Paybacks are a bitch. Karma sucks. Here’s a brief transcription of what was said between us, paraphrased of course.

Inanna: I realized what I had put you through.
AZ: You didn’t put me through anything.
Inanna: Yes, I did.
AZ: You did not put me through anything.
Inanna: AZ, I know that you have avoided having certain conversations with me for this very reason.
AZ: Good call.
Inanna: I know now how difficult it must have been the first time you told me (referring to 1992) and its not an easy thing to say to someone that you really care about and don’t want to hurt. It must have been very hard.
AZ: Yeah, it was hard.

Now, I’m going to get all mushy and feminine and show that soft side of myself. I wanted him to know that. I wanted him to know that I understood, finally, everything that went into what he said, and what he didn’t say. I wanted him to know that I did know why he wasn’t with me and that I also understood that it came from a deep caring for me that he didn’t tell me. We all say we want the truth… but we really don’t. The truth hurts. It hurt when in the midst of trying not to hurt one of the people I care about very, very much, that I realized that I had put him in that very position.

I did, very much, realize what I meant to him in that moment. Say what you want… but think about it. Why didn’t I tell my friend the truth? The blatant, no holds barred, this is how it really is, truth? Because I love him as a friend, I care for him very deeply and I did not want to inflict that pain upon him. Is it bad to withhold the truth when the truth may set them free? We can all sit and say, “hell yeah, that’s not fair!” Well, life isn’t fair is it?

And let’s face it… it’s a selfish thing too. We don’t want to lose that person. We want to keep them close to us on our own terms. That’s the truth. That is 100% truth. Its also 100% selfish. Human nature. AZ realizes though, that I do have the capacity to move on. I may come full circle a lot but I can move on. I’m not so sure about my friend. That remains to be seen and desperate times may call for those heartbreaking, desperate measures.

I think the conversation I had with AZ today probably ranks in the top three conversations we’ve had in 12 years and 9 months, and we’ve had a lot of conversations. I also learned something else by talking to him about it. While being the dumpee, or whatever, in these types of situations sucks, its really two hearts that break.

It was also important to me because of this:

a) Anytime I would address anything of this magnitude with him, I wrote it in a letter because I didn’t have the self-confidence to do it in person or on the phone.

b) I didn’t become overly emotional, meaning, I didn’t cry.

c) I told him the WHOLE truth, even if I thought the story leading into my discovery would make him jealous (yes, I know) or perhaps not see me in so great a light. I didn’t gloss over any details. It was straightforward.

d) I wasn’t nervous. I did hear his jaw drop on the floor a few times, and once it fell right through, but it was important that he know what lead me to this point.

e) It felt good to share it with him.

Ha, he said at one point, after discussing the fact that, yes indeed, its been almost 13 years since we met, that were getting old. Shhhhh… I said, no, we’re not, its just a number and I don’t look at you any differently now than I did then. I meant that. Creative visualization, because we’ve both changed a lot emotionally and intellectually. Physically, we’re both still HOT! And then the conversation turned toward, “now, how many friends can you say you’ve known for 13 years?” Ummm… you and Beanie. And damn if you’re not both Sagittarians!!! He got a little quiet when I said that. Not sure why….

So, now he knows and I know and he knows that my “wild” side…. oh its coming out to play. (I think he may enjoy that a bit) and…

I know that had it not been for you, look at yourself in the mirror, YOU, reading my shite, encouraging me and helping me along, I couldn’t have done it. I wouldn’t be where I am right now if it wasn’t for you. Thanks. *smooch*

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