Fear Not Bostonians…

October 25, 2004 at 1:07 pm (Uncategorized)

I will make it north… will probably just be in the Spring. (Two Times A Ladyyyy…) That means, since BLOGGER has eaten my last two posts, I have learned my lesson and am now writing everything and then re-typing or cutting and pasting. Grrrrrrr…

In preparation for my post this evening…

Books of the Day:

Slaughter-House Five – Kurt Vonnegut (Published 1969)
The Devil’s Tinderbox: Dresden 1945 (Published 2000)

Two accounts of the burning of Dresden.

Album of the Day:

War – U2 (Released 1983)

The title says it all. One of my favorite U2 albums.

Song of the Day:

Edelweiss (From the Sound of the Music Soundtrack – 1965)

People ask me about Edelweiss and I’m sorry to tell them its not a German folk song. It was written by Rodgers and Hammerstein. Edelweiss is a flower and can be read about here. Yes, I love The Sound of Music and yes, I can sing every song. Climb every mountain peeps!

Gee, I wonder if I’ve given enough hints about my post tonight….

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Hmmm…. (Trying to Get Out the Vote)

October 24, 2004 at 9:00 am (Uncategorized)

I had another post up but it made the text of my blog sink waaaaaaaaaaay to the bottom. I don’t know why. And it was funny shite too!! Well, IMHO.

Soooo…. dunno. Look for my “Female Locker Room – The Series” soon.

In the meantime, my friend Kev is in quite a quandry. This chica where he works at is fast becoming a “stalker-in-waiting.” Kev is not a friendly guy. He would pass for “extremely grumpy” about five out of seven days a week… the five that he works. Very cute guy though. I should know. I adore him myself, just not to the point of stalking.

So, I have offered my services at meeting the bitch head-on. Meaning, I go to his office to “pick him up” for lunch. I have a few options here. I have one skirt that is fairly short but has a slit up the thigh so that if the wind blows the right way you get a show. The other is a plaid looking skirt that looks more like a belt than a skirt… in a very schoolgirl kinda way, minus the thigh-high hose. Of course, I have the 3-inch “come-fuck-me” heels and a nice sweater which molds itself to my Barbie curves. (Did you know that women built like Barbie have better fertility? I don’t feel so bad about having narrow hips now.)

Now you get to vote. What will it be? Slit up to there or the schoolgirl skirt? Don’t worry, I got the legs to pull it off. Cast your vote!! I think this is might be a better election than the one coming up. And just to give you a reason to play, I’ll post a pic of the outcome…. errr with me in it.

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Ahhhh Shit!

October 23, 2004 at 3:12 pm (Uncategorized)

Troy has informed me that the Air Force would much rather he spend his time with them as opposed to me. Therefore, no Boston for Nanny. I had mixed feelings going into it due to a telephone call we had…. so… its disappointing but … I guess a mixed blessing.

So Fleece, Sloth and Dastard must carry on without me. LOL!

My desk broke or rather, part of it. The part that holds my keyboard and mouse. Sux.

I have zero energy today. Nada, don’t wanna do nuttin’.

I took Nate to bowling this afternoon. He’s getting better. He’s using the bumpers but he’s bumping less and less. One of T-Bird’s friends has her kids there too and she made a comment about how her son was only three points behind Nate and he WASN’T using the bumpers. I gave her my best, “I hear what you’re saying, but I really don’t care,” response. That’s not what I’m there for, nor what Nate is there for.

I could give a fuck less who wins. Its not like we’re playing the fucking World Series or Super Bowl and even they are ONLY GAMES!! Yes! *GASP* ONLY A FUCKING GAME!! I don’t take Nate so he can feel superior or beat anyone. I want him to have a good time and improve his own skills. Bowling at his age is not what I would call a team sport. Plus, her son has been bowling for two or three years… Nate’s been bowling three weeks? And he missed a week… Soooooo… don’t get it. Maybe I’m just not rabid enough…. just my attitude about peeps who compare kids and try to take away from MY kid. Fuck off lady, I would have never said anything about your son, I just encourage him as I do my own.

Can’t wait for baseball next Spring.

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Should I? Can I?

October 22, 2004 at 11:48 am (Uncategorized)

I found tickets online for $700.00 a piece from Cincinnati to Frankfurt, Germany. I would have to purchase them by December 2nd. We normally get our bonuses at Thanksgiving. Bonuses are almost a lock this year because we’ve had a great year.

The reasons I shouldn’t:

1. I could use $1400.00 for something else, like catching up on bills and feeling a little more secure.
2. I could have a little nest egg for expenses that crop up, like tires and oil changes and school lunches.
3. It would pay for about three semesters of classes at the local college.
4. I could pay off about half of what is owed on my car.

The reasons I should:

1. My Oma is 87 years old. She won’t live forever.
2. This would be the first time my entire family, the German one, would be together since 1991 when my baby sister got married. Well, Oma wasn’t there, but the rest of us were.
3. You only live once.
4. I haven’t seen my nephews since 2000, and they live in Texas!
5. Nate and I could fly roundtrip to Texas for half the cost of flying to Germany but that then negates 3/4 of the family.
6. My brother, the German one, said he will keep my secret so it would be a major surprise for my parents and we can stay with him.
7. My real mom said she would ditch Christmas gifts and give us cash for the trip.
8. The trip wouldn’t use up all of my bonus. I would still have a little over $600.00 for bills.
9. It makes me cry to think of going home for Christmas.

I think that kind of made my mind up. Now, to get Nate’s dad to agree to give up Christmas….

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Things I Thought About On My Way To PetSmart

October 21, 2004 at 6:46 pm (Uncategorized)

1. I was glad Nate did not have any homework tonight.
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2. Nate’s dad was the one who talked me out of applying for the FBI.
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3. I hung out with a female ATF agent for a while who told me her easiest buys were while she was seven months pregnant because they never suspected her.
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4. I figured out in college I would not make it as a profiler in the FBI because psychology was a total bore.
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5. I failed Psychology 101 when I took it the first time. I failed it because I hated the teacher and quit going to class.
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6. I had the opportunity three times to attend the local police academy. Unfortunately, it was when I was six and eight months pregnant and two weeks post-partum. They took me off the list at my request. That used to bother me, but it doesn’t anymore.
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7. I was afraid to come in my house when I got home because I knew the cats were out of food. There’s eight of them and one of me. Not going there.
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8. Although I’ve tried not to feel like an idiot, I do.
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9. I’m glad the Sox won. Derek Jeter is now free to romance me.
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10. I really don’t think that will ever happen. Although I try to keep an open mind, deep down I feel he may be one spoiled, conceited dude.
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11. I heard a song called, “Ain’t Comin’ Home” and I made note to look it up when I got home. Its by Silvertide. They just released a disc in September. I like them. Thumbs up.
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12. I heard a song by Styx on the way home too. It reminded me of Tommy Shaw, which reminded me of Damn Yankees, which reminded me of JP because of a comment I made on his blog.
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13. I miss being kissed.
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14. I mused over my favorite Metallica song from “Metallica.” I’ve narrowed it down between Wherever I May Roam, Of Wolf and Man and My Friend of Misery. Then again… eh, feel free to vote.
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15. I thought about Jack and hope he is holding up.
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16. I thought about Trashman getting hit by a deer.
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17. I thought about going to bed early tonight.
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18. I thought about sex.
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19. I thought about sex again.
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20. Its none of ya’lls business who I thought of having sex with.
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21. I thought about quitting blogging. I doubt it. I think I’m just depressed and to stop writing would be a very bad thing right now.
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22. I hate traffic.

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All Quiet On The Eastern Front

October 21, 2004 at 9:14 am (Uncategorized)

*Religious Content – Don’t Like It? Turn Back NOW*

Thank goodness that’s over. Yes, that baseball game. I spent most of late yesterday evening re-freshing my computer screen, aggravating my carpal tunnel syndrome and that bruise I got on my wrist yesterday. I was riveted because I thought maybe the Yankees would pull it out of their ass in the bottom of the 9th and I didn’t want to miss it. It would have been better to have watched it on TV but… oh well.

Chandra over at JP’s blog said that it would cool if the Astros and the Red Sox were in the World Series since that’s where Bush and Kerry are from. I think it would be funny but seriously, I’m sick of the election and just wish it were tomorrow. I love the fact that West Virginia was a swing state, but now we’re not, but we might be tomorrow. Pfffffffffft!!! I know a couple of swingers in WV, just not along the political lines.

I’m feeling better today since my bout of honesty. This too shall pass. Life cycles… everything cycles. Warning: Wiccan Ideology Ahead. Halloween approaches, which is the beginning of the year for us. Halloween is a time to remember those who have passed before us in the previous year. Its actually a fairly somber occasion. Because peeps don’t like us, we had to relegate ourselves to the UU in town last year. We used to hold services at a park outside of the city but the Christians got upset that we were on “their” hallowed premises after dark and near their Haunted Trail. Yeah, they can have a haunted trail but we can’t hold a religious service. Eh.

The joke’s on them. We couldn’t use wine in the park but we did in the church… so, nyah. We could have used wine in the park and gotten into some boosh-boosh about it being for a religious service blah, blah, blah, blah but that’s the Wiccan’s who want to piss off the establishment and further their own agenda. I’m all for religious freedom but I feel no need to buck any and every thing out there. Besides, it was feckin’ 20 degrees outside!!! I bet the cops miss us though, we used to give them warm spiced cider.

Digression again. Anyway, the Wiccan Calendar begins on October 31st with Halloween. Its followed by Yule on the Winter Solstice, then Imbolc on February 2nd, Ostara, which falls on the Spring Equinox, normally around March 21st, Beltane, which is either celebrated on April 30th or May 1st, followed by Litha on the Summer Soltice in June, Lughnasadh on July 31st and Mabon on the Autumn Equinox.

So cycles the seasons, so cycles the Earth, so cycles life. I see the Canadian Christians are a might bit concerned at Halloween being on Sunday. The article is here. Notice that we witches aren’t the least bit concerned that those Christians are going to have Sabbath on OUR holiest day. *Rolls eyes* I hope you weren’t expecting me to be PC about this whole thing. If you hit The Witches Voice, there is a neat article on courting the religious vote. Someone actually made up a spell to assist John Kerry. Hmmmmm….

If you want to read something really funny about Christians and Halloween, its here. Here’s a preview:

Thou Shall Not Change Halloween for “Christian” Reasons
Why in God’s name are people trying to move Halloween this year to October 30?
By Matt Hutaff Oct 19, 2004

“[Sunday is] a day for the good Lord, not for the devil,” Barbara Braswell of Newnan, Georgia exclaimed last Friday.

Oh, really?

I love the audacity and ignorance of the typical churchgoer, in particular brain-dead rednecks who actually think that God prefers which day of the week one prays to Him. You’d think that the sincerity of the prayer would overshadow what calendar day it was e-mailed to Heaven, but then thinking enters the equation, a step most fundamentalists bypass when it comes to their faith.

Matt goes on to explain that he was previously a… FUNDAMENTALIST!! If you want to argue religion with a Wiccan make sure they are NOT a reformed fundamentalist. You. Will. Lose. Its actually quite hilarious. I’ve seen this happen. Although my friend D. was not a fundie, he was a staunch, staunch member of the church and knows his shit. I watched him leave the mother-in-law of my nabes with her mouth hanging open as they traded scriptures as to who was right and who was wrong. We’re all right peeps. I have no desire to trade scriptures, barbs or otherwise about religious principles and I figure if you give them enough rope they’ll hang themselves.

I don’t owe anyone an explanation as to why I believe the way I do. I do. That’s it. When D. and I were having a, I believe, Litha ritual in my front yard, the mother-in-law of the nabes showed up and her husband had to drag her away as she kept inquiring what we were doing. I told her we were in the middle of a religious ceremony and could she please go away for a bit. I think it was pretty evident something was going on since I had half a dozen candles lit, my alter smack dab in the middle of the yard and oh, yeah, that robe thing miiiight have given it away. Or was I wearing blue? D. had the robe, I normally wear blue, except at Halloween.

Thereafter I cleaned up as she and D. discussed religion. UGH! The part that made me turn and take notice was when she said, “Well, you all can’t hurt me! I’m washed in the blood of the lamb of Jesus Christ.” This is when D. stepped aside and allowed the Goddess of the house to take over. I calmly and politely informed her that I had no idea who she was, what she was about or otherwise had any intentions of doing any harm to her as it was AGAINST MY RELIGION!!! But, I will guarantee you this… if I wanted to, if I really wanted to… I could. If I wanted to accept the consequences of my actions threefold, I most certainly could. Yeah, I can be that mean. Don’t think the thought doesn’t go through my head.

Actually I heard from a very good source that her husband was asked to leave their last church for, ahem, sexual indiscretions. *Raised eyebrow, knowing smirk/sneer which someone would probably love to wipe off my face* She also tried to draw me into a religious discussion later which I promptly halted by telling her that I was not D. and I felt no need to explain nor justify my religion to her or anyone else. Given the nasty look she got I’m surprised she didn’t cross herself or something. She may be “washed in the blood of the lamb of Jeeesus Christ!” but I stand in the light of the Goddess and it means as much to me as her lamb’s blood does to her.

Here’s an article about the Tulsa Pagan Pride Day. The PPD that almost wasn’t. It was the first PPD to have an injunction filed against it to prevent it from occuring. If you don’t feel like reading all the legal mumbo-jumbo, long story short is: They moved it to a different location, had 10 vendors and donated approximately 200 POUNDS OF FOOD TO THE TULSACARES FOOD BANK. Peeps who try to stand in the way of good works should be doused with boogers and snot. I was going to say pig’s blood but I felt sorry for the pigs. There was enough bloodshed above with the lambs.

Here’s the song of the day:

Witchy Woman – The Eagles (from Eagles – Released 1972)

Well I know you want a lover,
let me tell your brother,
she’s been sleeping in the Devil’s bed.
And there’s some rumors going round
someone’s underground
she can rock you in the nighttime
’til your skin turns red

woo hoo witchy woman
see how high she flies
woo hoo witchy woman
she got the moon in her eye

*Wink*

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Bitter, Cynical & Sexual – That’s Me

October 20, 2004 at 7:51 pm (Uncategorized)

* LENGTH WARNING*

Oh boy, what a fucking day. Things just keep getting better. To hell with my affirmations, not really in the mood to try and be sweet, gentle, kind and positive. Fuck it. I guess we bloggers are used to the rants of life. Fuck that. Rant my ass. This is reality.

So, Cattiva made mention of the fact, that yes, I have been talking about sex a lot. And at first, it hurt my feelings… in a way. And I got defensive and then I got worried, “What the fuck am I doing telling all these peeps this shit?” Well, that answer is simple. I’m not. You’re reading it but for it to do me any good at all, I can’t worry about what you think of me or my problems or what kind parent I am or not. In order for this to do what I wanted it to do to start with, then I have to be honest, with myself. This is how I figure out all the shit swirling around in my mind… I write. I write a lot. It may change from day to day but that’s life. Deal.

I used to write letters but that’s been replaced by blogging. Whenever I would write letters I would get no feedback. Sometimes that’s a good thing. Sometimes its bad. And frankly if I didn’t want some kind of input then I wouldn’t enable my comments. I do have that option, as we all do. Sometimes I wonder if the blogosphere isn’t a misnomer and should be called the supportosphere. Its like we’re one big dysfunctional family (nice way to put it Jay) and we’re all in some kind of rehab/support group. Hate me for that if you want. Don’t really care right now. Its like that bumper sticker “I know how you feel but I really don’t care.”

That’s reality. Its reality that we feel validated in our feelings. I don’t see a damn thing wrong with that. Its been an ongoing topic at times as to why we, in so many ways, know more about each other than the “real” people in our lives. But this is another reality. We treat each other with more respect at times than we probably do the other people in our lives because we pick and choose when we want to deal with each other, when we want to “listen” (read) about the problems, joys and funny ass shit in our lives. We don’t come knocking on each others’s doors, for the most part, like T-Bird did me yesterday and got her head taken off at the shoulders because I was being Mommy Dearest.

I digress, nice topic but not really what I came to talk about. What I came to talk about was being sexual and being cynical and bitter and hateful. Why? Because I am all those things and I am none of those things. Why have I been talking about sex a lot? Because I’m stressed and I’m tired. Unlike other people in the world the more stressed I get and the more tired I get the more I want sex.

Unfortunately or fortunately, I haven’t figured out which one, I also get a hell of a lot more picky and fickle about who I have sex with. My mood is such that if I can’t have who or what I want, then I don’t want any of it.

Compounding that problem is I can’t have who or what I want. So, there ya have it, I’m stuck. Further compounding this scenario is the reality that has been pointed out to me by, not one, but two men in my life, both of which have absolutely nothing to gain by blowing sunshine up my ass or twisting the truth for their own means. I’m damaged goods.

No, they didn’t put it that way but that’s the reality. I have a reminder for men that I’m not pure as driven snow, I’m not lily-white and his name is Nate. In specific reference to someone that I am very interested in pursuing a relationship with that won’t give me the time of day (yeah, the arm guy), one of the above male friends made this observation (which is basically word for word what the other one said, and hell, they don’t even know each other.)

Even if he is unattached, and would be otherwise interested in having a relationship with you, you need to accept that the fact you have Nate (and no other reason), might be the factor in whether or not they pursue it. Right or wrong, that is going to weigh heavily in any man’s mind. It has nothing to do with you, only with what they perceive to be “too much” for them to deal with at this point in their lives. And if that *is* the case, I think it makes the decision easy for you. I don’t think you’d want someone who is less concerned about your son than you are. But that is going to be the case with most men, sad but true.

I swear, they both said the exact same thing, just in different words. And you know what? That makes me sad and yes, bitter and cynical. My other male friend added insult to injury by also stating that men are the most selfish creatures on the face of the Earth and they do not want to share you with anyone and furthermore want no reminders that there was ever another man in your life and that’s exactly what Nate is, a reminder.

Well, fuck that. Do I think that applies to all men? Of course not. The majority? Now, that’s a toss-up. The majority of the men I’ve had in my life? Yeah, appears to be fairly true. Even his own father. That’s right. Nate’s dad could not handle our child taking time away from our relationship… what was left of it, which was about nothing. That was a whole huge fiasco which I learned a lot from. No matter what a man says, the divorce must be finalized. That’s what I learned. Separated don’t mean shit… m’kay? Learn grasshoppers from my mistake.

Yeah, it turned out pretty well in the end… at least for some of us. His now ex-wife, for good, was released from a horribly emotionally abusive relationship and she’s thanked me a thousand times for it. Now is that fucked up or what? I got Nate. We came out ahead. That’s reality.

Its hard. It’s the hardest thing I’ve ever done. It is the hardest thing I will ever do. So, yeah, I can understand someone not wanting to get mixed up in it. Especially someone who has no intentions of ever having kids of their own.

I’m bitter because if I’ve learned nothing else from blogging, its to look past the plain brown wrapper and see the gift inside. I’m bitter because I don’t feel like I’ll ever be afforded the same consideration. I’m cynical that I will ever find someone who can do that. In conversations I’ve had with another male friend he told me, “Anna, you’re just intense, really intense. You’re passionate. Most guys just aren’t strong enough to handle you.” Another guy friend of mine said, “You’re a hard ass girl. You take no shit.”

Yes, I’m intense. Yes, I’m passionate. But I’m not a hard ass and I’ve taken a lot of shit in my life. What I am is cautious and cynical. I probably do scare men away. I’m 5’3″ ½ inches of intense, passionate woman. I’ve heard, more than once, that’s intimidating. Ah, let’s add on my “extreme intelligence.” I’ve heard that’s intimidating too. Let’s see, what other theories may I expound upon… oh, the one where men would feel like they were just undeserving of me because I AM ALL THAT. All that being the exact same things listed above but then throw in my tits, legs and beauty. Well, now that’s makes me feel like I can’t win for losing.

So, I get rid of my kid, I water down my passion, my intensity and act dumb and much more deserving of them than they do me and I’ll be able to land a man? What kind of man exactly would I “land?” Not one I want. I. WOULD. RATHER. BE. ALONE.

My intense, passionate, intelligent, bitter, cynical, beautiful ass would RATHER. BE. ALONE.

I cannot, will not and would not change the circumstances of my life. I am what I am. My life is what it is. Today I’m bitter and cynical. It will cycle just like everything else does. I’m not perfect, never professed to be, never will be, don’t want to be. I don’t want some guy who looks and me and thinks, “God, I just don’t deserve that!” I want a man who looks at me and says, “Man, my ship has come in! All those crappy relationships were just practice for this one and I deserve everything she has to offer. I am the luckiest man alive.” And I want to say that too.

Days like today make me want to either crawl away in a hole and say “Fuck the world!” Or, walk outside and shout to the wind and the earth and anyone who will listen, “You win!! I give up!! Stop the madness!! Just stop the world and let me get off!! UNCLE!! I said, UNCLE DAMNIT!!!” And I want to fall to my knees and give up. Just give up. And find some peace with giving up. But I never have.

Instead I drag myself up by my bootstraps and I slog forward because it just isn’t in my nature to give up. I’m too intense to give up. I’m too passionate to give up. I’m a persistent, stubborn kind of woman, not to mention, I’ll whip your ass at Trivial Pursuit (as long as its not the TV version. I hate that one!) I have a child to raise with all the passionate intensity I have. Can’t handle it? Oh well. Thanks for being honest… now move on.

Finally, finally, finally figured out a song of the day… and since this post isn’t quite long enough, I’ll post the lyrics too.

You’ve Got Another Thing Coming – Judas Priest (from Rocka Rolla – Released 1974)

One life
I’m gonna live it up
I’m taking flight
Said I’ll never get enough

Stand tall, I’m young
And kinda proud
I’m on top as long
As the music’s loud

If you think I’ll sit around
As the world goes by
You’re thinking like a fool
Cause it’s a case of do or die

Out there is a fortune
Waiting to be had
If you think I’ll let it go
You’re mad

You’ve got another thing coming
You’ve got another thing coming

That’s right
Here’s where the talking ends
Well, listen, this night
There’ll be some action spent

Drive hard
I’m calling all the shots
I got an ace card
Coming down on the rocks

If you think I’ll sit around
While you chip away my brain
Listen, I ain’t fooling and
You’d better think again

Out there is a fortune
Waiting to be had
If you think I’ll let it go
You’re mad

You’ve got another thing coming
You’ve got another thing coming

In this world we’re living in
We have our share of sorrow
Answer now is don’t give in
Aim for a new tomorrow

Oh, so hot
No time to take a rest, yeah
Act tough
Ain’t room for second best

Real strong
Got me some security
Hey, I’m a big smash
I’m going for infinity, yeah

If you think I’ll sit around
As the world goes by
You’re thinking like a fool
Cause it’s a case of do or die

Out there is a fortune
Waiting to be had
If you think I’ll let it go
You’re mad

You’ve got another thing coming
You’ve got another thing coming
You’ve got another thing coming
You’ve got another thing
Coming on you

You’ve got another thing coming
Yeah, it’s coming up
You’ve got another thing coming
You’ve got another thing coming
You’ve got another thing coming
You’ve got another thing coming…..

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To Hell With Me and My Whining

October 20, 2004 at 1:30 pm (Uncategorized)

Go see my Sister… Sister Moon and congratulate her on her wonderful, wonderful news. COMPLY!!!

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Let’s All Take A Deep Cleansing Breath….

October 20, 2004 at 10:49 am (Uncategorized)

Things in my home did not improve overnight and this morning was an unmitigated disaster. Nate messed around and wasn’t following instructions to put his shoes on so I applied hand to ass treatment. The palm of my hand connected solidly with his ass cheek, however, he’s so thin and bony and my wrist is so thin and bony that they also connected. I guarantee my fucking wrist feels a lot worse than his ass-end. Sigh.

Then I got one of those sweet calls from a collection agency wanting Nate’s school lunch bill paid. I told him the truth, I didn’t know how I was going to pay it and I was trying like hell to work it into my non-existent budget. He said, “I will note your refusal to pay.” Wha??? Before I could say that I had every intention of paying, I just didn’t know how or when, he hung up on me. OH. MY. GOD.

LIVID does not begin to describe my reaction. I think if the cordless phone had been in my hand I would have broken a window out of my house. I have calmed down a bit but don’t think I will take that. I believe in paying my bills. I know peeps don’t believe that because other peeps will do anything to keep from paying up. If I didn’t want to pay my bills I certainly wouldn’t have gone to credit counseling to help me pay them off. Filing bankruptcy would have been much easier and I wouldn’t be busting my ass to pay shit off.

But I don’t believe in making other peeps responsible for my fuck-ups, nor my son’s medical bills or anything else. I believe in paying my own way, regardless of how much I have to sacrifice to do it. I think if things were much, much worse, then yes, I would have but things are always manageable in my eyes.

So, what will I do? First, I’m going to calm down. Second, I’m going to review the collection procedure law. Third, I’m going to obtain the name of the representative’s supervisor and his or her supervisor. Fourth, I will write a letter detailing the conversation and the misrepresentation of what was stated and letting them know that the ONLY option I have is to wait until I get my bonus in November or December to pay off the debt. That’s the ONLY option I have. If that’s not good enough, then they can sue me and I’d like to find something for them to collect off of. My car isn’t paid for, my house isn’t paid for… and I doubt I’ll be selling either one, so placing a lien against the property won’t due them much good either.

I’m so much easier to get along with when you don’t hang up on me and treat me like a person. I don’t like feeling this way and its detrimental to everything around me. Nothing is worse than walking around with a scowl that my boss can see in his office with his door closed. I just read my affirmations and try very hard to live by them.

Here’s a few in lieu of song, album and book of the day:

1. I’m the only one who can take control of my life.
2. Be a mirror that makes everyone look good.
3. Don’t give up.
4. Smile, no one likes a sourpuss.
5. You have to be positive to draw positivity to you.
6. Treat people with all the respect, dignity and caring you would want to be treated with, even if they are assholes because to do any less makes you one of them. (This is the hardest one!!)
7. Make sure you’re part of the solution and not part of the problem.
8. Look in the mirror, this is the person who can empower you.
9. Standing up for yourself doesn’t mean you have to be cruel.
10. Always temper your emotions with logic and reason.
11. Don’t jump to conclusions, ask questions. (This isn’t very easy either)

Breathe in, breathe out….

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Bad Girl

October 19, 2004 at 8:05 pm (Uncategorized)

If you want to know about how mad Nate made me and what a schmuck his sperm donor is, you can page down. I was pretty mad and feeling sorry for myself when I wrote it but that’s what blogging is for.

Since I ended my tirade I’ve just been a bad,wicked, Nanny and it had nothing to do with sex. Maybe I shouldn’t have told you that and you could have just used your imaginations. Oh well.

So, what have I done to be such a naughty girl? Well… I’ve been ogling arms. There’s this thing I like in missionary position where the guy is braced up on his arms and my legs are wrapped around him… okay, I just like that but something that I discovered for the very first time earlier this year is just to grab a hold of those arms. So, *blush* I’ve been ogling arms and not just any arms, but beautiful, muscular arms. Not overly muscular but just “man muscular.” The kind where it looks like he works out but he’s not pumped up.

Long and lean muscles. Can you fall in love with arms? OMG, I think I have… and who they’re attached to. Did you ever look at someone and with the biggest sigh in your heart wish to God you could just have one chance, just one small chance but you know that you would be so bashful and backward and so in awe of the person they are that you would completely screw everything up? And I don’t mean looks… I mean, them. Where you would feel so self-conscious about not being good enough for them that you would ruin it by not being able to be yourself at all?

I know. That’s my low self-esteem/insecurities talking. And maybe they would be thinking the same things too… how they hope they don’t screw it up. Just musing about how two peeps might feel the same way… and never know it.

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