This May Surprise You
I will not be going to see my new niece Annie anytime soon. She will probably be 3 or 4 months old before I lay eyes on her. There are many reasons for this and coming to the decision not to go to my brother’s house has been a hard one.
My brother and I are not close. We were as children but then I grew boobs and he figured out he was mom’s favorite and used it against me. The last conversation we had entailed him recounting a conversation he had with our father in which he told my dad that as soon as he died he was going to sell the farm. I told him I thought that was a cruel thing to say as my parents have worked their whole lives for what they have and it is their dream. My dad was none to pleased either. It made him angry but more so, it hurt his feelings. I reminded my brother that he was not the single heir to the kingdom and any, and I do mean, any decisions that were made following our parents death would include me. I also told him I thought he was rotten and insenstive. I think that was 4 years ago, although I’m not sure.
My sister-in-law is just a bitch. Her family are assholes. They look down upon us as though we are simple folk without brains and that we’re not good enough to walk upon their lily-white land. Fuck ’em.
The decision to not travel north two hours to see this new flesh-of-my-flesh has been very, very difficult. I love my nephews, even if they have been taught absolutely nothing their entire lives and wreak havoc everywhere they go, and, I love my niece. It is not their fault they have been allowed to run amok and terrorize everyone and everything in their path, including each other. They are both very cute, very smart little boys and I have no doubts that Annie will follow in their footsteps in all ways.
Here is why I will not being going. I do not feel welcome and I do feel as though my son is welcome. I am not invited to be a part of their lives unless it suits them for something they want. Additionally, they treat my parents like shit. I don’t have much respect for my brother and the way he allows his wife to dictate to him that her family is more important that his.
The final straw for me was Hyper-Boy’s birthday. I do not have a party for him, his dad does that. We have our own thing that we do. However, since it is close to the 4th of July, I normally take him to my parents and invite my brother and family down. That didn’t happen this year for many reasons. My brother and family sent him a card. I could see the disappointment in his eyes as there was nothing inside.
I try to teach my son to accept what is given and not ask for more. However, I cannot help that he sees a discrepancy in what we do for my nephews and what he received. I always try to get my nephews a little something for their birthdays and make the two hour trek north for their parties. Hyper-Boy would have been thrilled with a new state quarter taped to the inside, or one of the gold dollar coins. He thinks things like that are kewl and neat. That’s all.
Now, I know some of you are thinking that it is wrong for me to expect my brother to send my son a gift of any kind. Its the thought that counts, right? Well, I know that my brother and his wife buy gifts for all of her nieces and nephews… and she has five. I see a difference being made here and I don’t like it. Especially when my son sees it and realizes it.
My mom, in all of her wisdom, said that it was a good lesson in humility for Hyper-Boy. I’m not sorry to say that I jumped her shit. I shot back that my son will learn plenty of lessons in life and already has and that he didn’t need his own family shoving it down his throat. Whether you agree or disagree, I stand by what I said.
Further, my brother makes zero effort to get to know my son, his nephew. What he likes, what kind of personality he has, nothing. I was not allowed to hold Nephew #1 for the first 3 or 4 months of his life. Nephew #2, I just walked in and picked him up but not for long. I really don’t feel like dealing with all that bullshit again and since AZ set me straight about how I was subjecting Hyper-Boy to this, he’s not going either, with or without me. Period.
The conversation with my mother today went something like this:
Well you and Hyper-Boy can go up with me and your dad to see the baby
No, we’re not.
Well, if you go up with us then they probably won’t treat you like they did before.
We’re not going.
Well, maybe you should just give it a little time for them to recuperate and then you can go up.
I’m not going mother.
Well, now Inanna.
(Silence)
Did you just stop by the last time you were there? Or did you call first?
Mother, I don’t make a 2 hour trip to just “stop by”, of course I called them first. (Now this is my fault?)
Inanna
Mo-ther
Needless to say, my mother believes I’m going to change my mind and be “the good child.” I’ll talk more about the “good child” syndrome tomorrow and also some other things I figured out in relation to myself and my family. Thanks to T-Bird, I made a major stride in letting go of some pretty rotten baggage.
Anything Goes 
Trashman said,
July 29, 2004 at 11:11 pm
Sounds like you’re on a road I have traveled for years. Stick to your guns. Your brother has some growing up to do. Any man that lets his wife control him like that isn’t rally a man.
Aimee said,
July 30, 2004 at 12:19 am
((Consoling Hug))
I’m sorry you can’t be more of her life; maybe even teach her how to be a decent human being. Glad you’re learning how to live though. Congratulations on the birth of you own soul! š
Zelda said,
July 30, 2004 at 1:05 am
Don’t do it. Whatever you do, don’t give in. I watched my mom get treated like shit by her in-laws for years and I can tell you that it is a bad thing for hyper-boy to see you ill-used by a passel of ingrates.
Esther said,
July 30, 2004 at 5:45 am
I have 5 brothers, and I’ve learnt that being family doesn’t mean that we actually like each other. One of my brothers only phones me when he wants something.
Seeker said,
July 30, 2004 at 6:51 am
Being the black sheep sucks goats tits. But Fuck it. Why worry bout it? You get what you get and you don’t throw a fit. Next time maybe you could put a quarter in there for the kiddo whats it gonna hurt?
Celti said,
July 30, 2004 at 9:32 am
Sounds like your relationship with your brother is strikingly similar to the one between my sister and I. We haven’t spoken for 3 years. I just did a long post about her a few days ago on my page.
My sister didn’t even call or send a card when my son was born.
I think, just like you, I would not go.
*hug*
Celti said,
July 30, 2004 at 11:23 am
thanks for coming by, Inanna. You are one in a million.
evilsciencechick said,
July 30, 2004 at 11:45 am
Hooray for you standing your ground!
They look down their nose at you??? Wow, trash comes in all shapes and sizes, doesn’t it? I know that the saying goes that you can’t pick your family, but you can certainly limit the amount of time you spend with them.
Your brother and sister-in-law sound like world class stick-up-their-asses, and you and hyper-boy are better off staying at home and making cookies, or something š
Leese said,
July 30, 2004 at 12:28 pm
Do whatever you think is right Inanna, whatever feels good. Don’t do it just for the sake of doing it.
It’s just sad that the baby is the one who’s losing out on all this. You want to get to know your niece and she’s losing out on a great aunt all because of her stupid parents.
Mike said,
July 30, 2004 at 12:32 pm
I agree with science chick. Limit time. My wifes family is very close. To close for my comfort level. Being that close turns everybodies everyday crap into a big dramatic tale to be told. Let the saga begin. I found the perfect antidote for that problem. When they start being nosey I make shit up. Not about them but about myself or somthing I did. Nothing big. Keep a straight face. Totally serious. Then leave it. Wait till it gets back around. Its great. The story is never the same when it gets back to me. Usually my wife will break the news that I was just kidding. Then they all look at me and ask well what did you do that for. I walk away laughing my ass off saying “you guys are sooo dramatic.” Whats even better is that they love me. They laugh about it and call me little shit head or somthing but they get the point. They know I’m right.
phoebe said,
July 30, 2004 at 12:54 pm
Inanna,
Well, along with the others who’ve commented, I think your decision’s a good and sound one — and I agree with AZ that it is the right one for HB. Plus, speaking as someone with 6 aunts she’s seen very rarely, it isn’t the frequency of interaction that matters anyway. The love of my aunts has worked on me from long-distances all of my life. I frequently remind myself of this because I don’t see my nieces and nephews very often either. They live far away and their parents and I are not exactly cut from the same cloth. As you already know, you can love someone from a distance — and sometimes its the best way to.
Jenn said,
July 30, 2004 at 1:50 pm
Inanna,
I don’t blame you in the least for not going! My hubby’s family all live here, and his mother bitches because we hardly ever set foot in her house. I have lived in this house 20 minutes away from her for almost 8 years and she has been here twice! In the beginning we went over about once a week, and then I got sick of listening to people tell me I needed to take the boys over to see her more and how she never gets to spend time with them. Not once has she invited them to do anything with her, not once has she called and asked me to bring them around, Not once has she come over just to see them. My parents live 90 miles away and they are here all the time, they pick the boys up and take them home with them, they come just to visit, they want to be a part of their lives. Then one of the hubbies cousins or my sister in law will tell me how sad it is that “grandma” doesn’t even really know the boys. I have gotten to the point I don’t deal with it anymore and I just tell them “it is her fault”. The boys know who loves them, and who could care less. Sorry Inanna your post just brough all that bitterness out! Where I was really going is I know what you mean!
Inanna said,
July 30, 2004 at 2:28 pm
Wow, and thank you so much to everyone for commenting.
Trashman — I agree, there should be balance between the families.
Aimee — thanks for coming by and the hug. Birth of my soul – I like that.
Zelda — thanks for the advice from someone who’s watched it happen.
Esther — Sad, and you are so wonderful.
Celti — We’re in this together.
Bondage Chicken — Cookies sound like a good idea!
Seeker — Ew, goat’s milk… I gotcha though.
Leese — Yes it is sad.
Mike — you shithead
Sister Moon — Your point is well taken and makes me feel better.
Jenn — No shit chickie!!! I’m feelin’ ya all the way!! My parents have been to my house for dinner exactly once in five years, while they go to my brother’s at least once every two months and then bitch at me that I don’t make the 130 mile roundtrip to their home more than once a month.
Queenie said,
July 31, 2004 at 12:09 am
I guess I am the black sheep out.
Inanna, go see your niece.
She is only a few days old once.
Q
Inanna said,
July 31, 2004 at 12:39 am
Queenie — Thank you for your words and its okay to be the black sheep. I remember how precious babies are and how fast they grow. However, it hardly seems worth it to drive two hours to only stand and look at Annie while her mother stands staring at me like a prison warden, arms crossed, sour look her on her face as though I’m going to either smother her baby or drop it on its head. I will not be allowed to sit quietly and talk to my niece and count all of her fingers and toes and smell her new baby smell. I will not be allowed to talk sweet baby talk as she grips my finger and looks in wonder at this person who is her family. And if any of my sister-in-law’s family is there, which amazingly they show up from their homes 5 minutes away and stay and monopolize the baby the entire time I am there, then I won’t I definitely won’t have a snowball’s chance in hell of doing nothing more than standing around with my thumb stuck up my ass. No, I will stay home.
Queenie said,
July 31, 2004 at 1:37 am
I will seem worth it when you hold this baby.
Who will eventually do something to make you laugh or smile.
She will give you a gift.
In return you will have this memory of her.
YOUR memory.
That you can give her as a gift someday.
No one remembers the first days of their lives.
What will you have to share with her?
Q
Inanna said,
July 31, 2004 at 10:32 am
The first time I hold her.