As all of you know, Nanner has weird tastes and that includes going to abandonded prisons and lunatic asylums, haunted houses, haunted towns, and just generally wherever the ghosties are. Last year, I took Nate and Cam to the Trans-Allegheny Lunatic Asylum. The Travel Channel finally got with the program and are broadcasting live tomorrow night from 8 p.m. to 3 a.m. or something like that. They are locking their Ghost Adventures guys in the asylum for seven hours.

Although I would like for you to watch, most definitely would love for you to watch the show, the real point of this post is that I’m going to be there!  No, not inside with the film crew, not hunting ghosties, no, not on TV, but I am going to be outside. Le Restaurant is catering the event and I volunteered to help chef with the 3 a.m. breakfast call. Actually, I just want to be there. I don’t care about going inside, I just want to be there. Jennifer Garner had her father’s birthday party at the restaurant and I missed all of the fun. Not this time!

Actually, I’ll be there from about 9:30 p.m.-ish to right after we finish with breakfast (for 130 – imagine eggs for a 130 peeps) which starts at the aforementioned 3 a.m. Then I will drive home (almost 2 hours), take a nap, and then go to work at 10 a.m. because I truly do belong at the Lunatic Asylum.

Watch the Travel Channel and also wish my good buddy Kenju a Happy Birthday!

I guess you can say its been a long time since you’ve blogged if you can’t remember your username and password. Oops.

I’ve been very busy with traveling, Nate, writing, and life in general.

Nate and I went to the October Sky Festival in Coalwood. It was a beautiful day, just gorgeous. I’ve struck up a friendship with one of the other Rocket Boys. He works across the mountain from where I live. He’s cool.

I have not seen Adonis since that day after work.

I’m still dealing with this whole thing with Jeff.

I’ve been writing and reading a whole bunch. I met author Josh Weil at the WV Book Festival. His new book, “The New Valley” is out. It’s a collection of novellas, which is very exciting for me, since I love to write them. It was very good. I suggest it. Plus, he’s really cute and wrote something sweet in my book.

I’ve read, ”Brokeback Mountain,” “The Reader,” “The Road,” (MUST READ – AMAZING), and about 10 of the 49 short stories of Ernest Hemingway. My favorite so far is, “The Short Happy Life of Francis MacComber.”  I think that’s how it’s spelled. I have several others on my list by Alice Hoffman, Jim Harrison, and Gabriel Garcia Marquez. I’m also reading, “When Miners March,” by William C. Blizzard. It’s about the Redneck Army that marched to Logan in 1921 to attempt to unionize the coalfields. When I talk to my guests at the restaurant I tell them what I’m reading and most have a book they like to suggest.

And Nate, don’t get me started on that gangly 13-year-old of mine.  Having to kick his ass over school, but he’s picked up the ball and I’m already seeing big improvements in his grades, or rather, just not as many zeros. He had the croup and was out for four days. His 8th grade class has about 160 students and about 100 were out the same week he was with either flu or croup and it just keeps going around.

T-Bird’s eldest had swine flu and both Nate and I were exposed but dodged it for the time being.  Amazingly, so did everyone else in the family so far. T-Bird is in the hospital right now. She had surgery on her hernia again. It was really, really bad. The doctor had to work about 3 hours to get her put back together the way she should be, then he put her ass in the hospital. She’ s been there since Monday and boy is she pissed! 

Her sister is getting ready to take back custody of her nephews, after 2 1/2 years, and of course she’s up in arms about that. I told her that what is going to happen is going to happen, to move on and take care of HERSELF. That means, among other things, to lose weight. I know, easy for me to say. No, not always easy for me to say. Since her ongoing medical problems are a direct result of her weight and how she carries it and she did lose 40 pounds but then gained it all back and then some and wants to blame everyone for her problems but herself, I have an issue with that.

If she just said, “I should have stuck to not drinking soda and getting up and moving around a bit more,” then okay. But, blaming your doctor because you didn’t follow her instructions?  Unacceptable. Here’s the thing, if she drinks 4-6 Mountain Dewdrops a day and every time I see her she’s sitting on her butt… well. I’m past the point of being able to garner sympathy when she blames someone else for her problems.

I’ve offered to walk with her after I get off work, since I’m either at her house picking Nate up or driving by her house every day.  I know its easier to exercise, especially when you don’t like it, with someone else. I got off my routine when Nate was sick so I have to make myself make time to do extra exercise to prepare for the marathon in April.  I drop Nate at school, then go to work an hour early, and since I work on a hill, I walk down the hill and back up The Sunrise Carriage Trail, which is an access road that William MacCorkle used to bring building supplies up the mountain to build his mansion, Sunrise or The MacCorkle Mansion, now on the register of historic places. Its awesome. I’ll take some pictures.

Anyway, T-Bird’s response to me was, “Uh, *snort* NO!”  So.

That’s about it from this end. Sorry I haven’t been around to visit. I try to follow everyone I can on Facebook and I do drop into Blogland and root around a bit,  just been busy takin’ care of business and such.

Why I have not blogged:

1. I am training to walk a marathon.

2. I’ve been working on my screenplay. In one day I created a wonderful character that I fell in love with and then killed him, of course because he asked me to, to serve as a catalyst for the protagonist. I cried for an hour.

3. Since Jeff dipped out of our lives permanently, for now, that is, I’ve been doing a lot of crying, whether I’m killing my favorite characters or not. His “leaving” is a catalyst for the protagonist and here, I’m the protagonist.

4. I’ve been watching TV with Nate. We hang out a lot. This reminds me of how precious he is so that I do not come unhinged over his abysmal grades.

5. Sometimes, I nap.

6. I’ve been observing my world like I’ve never seen it before.

He stood on the edge of the parking lot, white hair glistening in the Autumn sun. I wondered if long, dark grey, wool coats, stiff black suits, and crisp white shirts were the standard issue uniform for funeral home personnel. Alway so pristine, as though lint and cat hairs are afraid to bond to their clothing. I glanced around for a hearse and thought that he must be waiting to direct them, anyone, to the right entrance.  Later, I saw him in the same place, hands clasped behind him, coat fluttering open in the breeze, enough to see the unwaivering tie and matching handkerchief. It was then I realized he was waiting for death, perhaps even calling to it.

7. I have been memorizing and singing all of the new songs by Alice In Chains. As always, their music is a soundtrack for my life. Some of my favorite lyrics:

A wolf alone upon the hillside
i live on what they thrown away
i go to sleep behind the eight ball
i live to fight for one more day

i’m trapped in the cold outside
there ain’t no shelter
they wanna force my hand
til i take what i wanted
and break all the lies
that they feed,  the fucking liars
smash all the temples
and crawl through the rubble
and cry to the fallen  (Last of My Kind)

No one plans to take the path that brings you lower
And here you stand before us all and say it’s over
It’s over  (Your Decision) Beautiful, amazing song. Cathartic.

Pray, squeal when you’re caught
Cry, it’s not my fault (When The Sun Rose Again) Love the guitar on this song.

I don’t wanna feel no more
It’s easier to keep falling

Consciously avoiding changes
Curtain drawn, now it’s done
Silencing all tomorrows
Forcing our goodbyes

Lay down, black gives way to blue
Lay down, I’ll remember you (Black Gives Way to Blue)

Sir Elton John plays on this song. Simple and simply beautiful.  A live video of this song, minus Sir Elton.

 That’s about it. Just trying to get my ducks in a row. Oh, and I had to fix a couple lyrics. I just got my liner notes downloaded and got all of the RIGHT lyrics. Oh yeah.

This is a video on the New York Times website about water contamination by coal companies. I went to high school with the lady featured in the video and she lives about 5 miles from where I grew up. Very sad, folks. Very sad.

NY Times

think I’ll stop running now. Ahhh, classic Forrest Gump.

I’m am actually very tired. I’ve had a cold, then I started my period. Sorry guys, but, its the truth. I had to put a heatwrap around my lower innards. This made me sweat all night and continually turn the thermostat down until everyone but me went into hibernation.

I’m still running around bumping into walls and such, waiting for the final order from the Court. I’ve had to remind myself to breath several times. I still look over my shoulder. I try to concentrate on just being a good mom and loving Nate, and holding his feet to the fire over his grades… already.

I feel the weight of the summer, Court, the fighting and the unknown so heavy on my shoulders tonight and I wonder what kind of weight he feels. I wonder where his mind wanders and what his dreams are like. His sister has been spending time here and they walk the streets at night, taking pictures of interesting things and each other. He talks to her. They share something even I don’t understand, just like her mom and I share something they don’t understand.

I try to concentrate on the good, my beading, Adonis and the opportunity to see him again, what I will wear to my class reunion, the classes Nate isn’t failing, the freedom. Okay, I’m trying to get used to the freedom. I’m still pissed the fuck off that that fucking moron isn’t taking any fucking responsibility for what he’s done.  At least I’m willing to stand up and say I should have done this so long ago.

I’m a different person today. A different person than I was yesterday. Many yesterdays ago, I wouldn’t have contemplated making a play for the man of my dreams because I didn’t believe he existed for me. I knew he existed, I just didn’t realize I could have him. So, he’s 12 or 13 years younger than I am. 

I remember very well the first time I looked into his eyes, when I saw nothing but blue looking back. The rush of attraction, the magnetism, that feeling. The excitement but also the comfort, so geniune in his response, and how he talked to me with his eyes.

I hope I’m not misreading him and I hope he doesn’t mind that I’m almost 39.

I would really love to have him in my life.

Yesterday, I received a call from my attorney’s paralegal. She said they had received a letter from Jeff’s attorney stating that Jeff did not believe that he or Nate was being treated fairly by the Court, that he loved his son, but, he would be withdrawing his objection to the petition and hoped that when Nate was older that he could explain his side of things and the two could have a relationship.

That was Jeff-speak for, “I’m a drunk, I don’t want help, I don’t want counseling, I’m not changing, I’m not trying, I haven’t gotten my way, so I’m taking my booze and I’m going home. This all someone else’s fault, but not mine. Nope, I’m the victim.”

Stunned, shocked, angry, relieved, sad, disgusted, angry, amazed, angry, very angry, stunned… just a few of the emotions I experienced. And the tears. I had forgotten that I still had it in me to cry. But I did, and I cried today too.

After all I’ve been through, after all I’ve studied, after all the counseling… how could I have forgotten how strong addiction is and how absolutely delusional it makes someone. How could I have forgotten the blaming behavior and zero accountability and zero responsibility for his actions.

I know I did the right thing. It is just the saddest thing for a man, for anyone, to choose a bottle (a syringe, a toke, a smoke, a gamble, pick your poison) over their family. And, this isn’t the first time, but for us, its the last.

Last night, I had a dream I was in a hospital and I had a black eye. The black eye is the pain, the hospital is the need to heal.

Yesterday, I was driving Nate to school and a doe ran in front of my car. I had seen her coming from the side so I had already slowed to stop.  It wasn’t until later that I really understood. My grandmother sends the doe as a sign to me, and the symbol of the deer is that of gentleness, unconditional love, and kindness.  Its comforting.

Yesterday, I got a hug from my Greek Adonis, conversation, and he asked me to make him beaded cufflinks. I was trying to explain about looming and he was rather confused. He said, “I’m going to Google that so that next time I can discuss it with some intelligence.” I like the idea of having a “next time.”  He is so humble, gentle, kind, intelligent, genuine, classy, he’s fucking Prince Charming. He should be in a damn Disney movie!  He looks like he should be in a damn Disney movie.

The spirits show themselves and they nudge a little. And *deep breath* *exhale* I’m ready for that.  I’m ready for change for the better.

Guess what one of my dreams featured last night? I’m not sure if I had two dreams or one dream, but it seemed like two dreams. In one dream, I was in a high rise, more like a hotel, but there was bad weather outside, rain, and I felt a draft from the huge windows.

In the next dream I saw a tornado through large windows. I literally saw the vegetation being pulled from the ground, ala “Twister,” and while I ran to a stairwell and hid because I believed the windows would be blown out, the two ladies in the room with me didn’t run, and the windows didn’t blow out.

These are actually all good signs of transformation and moving on with my life. Oh, did I tell you that I dreamed I was getting married the other night? Yeah, to our bartender, Candyman. Oddly enough, I was very calm in the dream about getting married, very peaceful. This is also a good sign.

Perhaps this is because I found an odd e-mail from Jeff at my secondary e-mail.  It read (with poor grammar, spelling, and punctuation preserved):  “I want to congratulate you, with your win. Though lies, and being friends of the COURT you have won. I don’t know what you’ve gained, (and what harm you did to Nate, by going this path) but I hope you’re happy.”

My first response was “Huh?” I don’t see us agreeing with the Court’s suggestion that he and Nate undergo counseling at the same place and letting the doctor decide as to when or if they would have counseling together and future visitations as a win. I was under the impression we had an AGREEMENT, not a win or a loss. Besides, no one really wins.

Nate said, after I told him about the e-mail, said, “That sounds like a great e-mail to me!” I said, “Why?”  He said, “Because Daddy never just gives in like that.”  Or something along those lines.  Yeah, I know. And given that the e-mail was sent… a week after the hearing. I’m not sure what all that means. Bullshit probably.

The new counselor did tell me that Jeff had missed his initial appointment and as of that time, had not called to reschedule… being in contempt of the agreement that we both call within 48 hours of the hearing to schedule our appointments and the Court’s insistence that we all attend each and every counseling session as scheduled.

The counselor asked if I thought Jeff would be compliant with the Court’s order and I said, “Only if you don’t ask him to seek treament for his alcoholism and don’t tell him that he’s wrong about anything.”

I’m not lying. I don’t have to lie. The truth is bad enough. I’m contemplating writing a want ad in the paper to trade houses with someone who wants to live here and I’ll go live where they live, and we’ll owner sell our places to each other for the mortgage payoff, so long as they are similar. LOL! Impossible dreams are my forte.

Let’s see – Judge ordered (and we agreed so as not to yell and scream for 45 minutes) that Jeff and Nate will see the same counselor, separately, and that she will determine when they should have counseling together, and then advise the Court regarding overnight visits.

Nate is unhappy about having another counselor as he likes going to the Domestic Violence center.  He’s still going to go to the Center, but just deal with different issues. We’ll know more after his first appointment with his new counselor.

When Nate and I came home last night with one of Nate’s buddies, I saw a man walking down the street toward my house. He moved over behind my neighbor’s van as though to get out of our way, but when I pulled in at my house, he turned around and started walking in the direction that he had just came from. And it was raining.

I wonder if he really thinks I’m that stupid that I don’t know its him. Moron. I guess he figured I had caught him driving around the neighborhood and now he would try a different approach.

Anyway, Nate is doing well so far with school. He’s putting a lot of effort into it, doing his homework, and he and I have the agreement that I won’t question every tiny paper in his backpack as long as his grades are good and he’s turning his work in. He’s still irritating me with getting to school on time… he likes walking in when the bell rings, which annoys me. However, he knows if he causes himself to be tardy then he loses his electronic privileges for the evening.

He seems so relaxed, happy, and so much more mature.  He still has a lot of anger and hurt over his father, but I’m hopeful that counseling will continue to whittle that away and give him the tools he needs to deal with it appropriately.

We are fostering Nate’s sister’s cat, Moose. She and her mother are getting ready to move out of their current living arrangement into a place of their own. Her Mom’s boyfriend (soon to be ex), has nixed the cat living there until they can leave. So, Moose lives with me for now. He and Chico are about the same size and they play like demons. Its hilarious.

I told my mom about Moose and she said, “Well, if she doesn’t come back and get him then I’m coming down there and personally taking him to the animal shelter! You have too many pets as it is now!” 

Ya’ll, my mother has serious issues.  It may have gone unnoticed to her, but it isn’t lost on me that I’ll be 39 years old this year, I pay my own mortgage, and my own utilities, I pay for everything!  I’ve lived on my own for 14 years and wow, I’m raising a child too. Amazing that I’ve made it this far without her controlling my every move.  She’s messed up in the head.

Wilbur is a big ball of fuzz and he’s not going anywhere either. No, my mother doesn’t know about him. I’m afraid she’ll attempt a catnapping. Bizarre.

I saw AZ the other day. It was … okay. I saw him while Nate and I were out to eat. His wife, mother, and another mutual friend were with him. I’m still hurt but its fading. Seriously… I really know why he married her. She has no confidence whatsoever, and Clint and Stacy would have had a field day with her whole look that day. And he’s so self-absorbed and insecure… her letting him have the continous spotlight is perfect.

He made the comment that Nate’s hair was long… and he was so tall. Yep, that happens when they grow up.  He stood there for a while until I remembered to stand up and give him a oh-yeah-guess-I should-hug-you hug. Used to be I would have jumped up and given him a real hug, but… just didn’t really feel the need.  It was painful just exchanging pleasantries with him. Painful in that I didn’t really want to. I was being polite.

I described her to my counselor as a mouse, with sound effects and visuals. I cracked her up so bad she didn’t even have a chance to tell me, “No, no, not nice, examine your feelings, Grasshopper.”  I said, “Well, being married to him hasn’t done her any favors.”  And while I know that he and I were totally incompatible in so many ways, it still hurts, and I’m angry, and she makes me roll my eyes.

And, it pisses me off that he acts like things haven’t changed since he got married.  And, naturally, he buries his head in the sand instead of addressing it. That’s his way of not dealing with it. I’m going to deal with it. He doesn’t have to participate in it, he doesn’t have to make any peace with me or it, but I do, and I will.

Ugh, that whole situation just irritates me. And, my mother irritates me. Really.

I have lost about three pounds and two inches from my waist since starting my new diet and exercise regime.  I’m three inches from goal and I don’t really have a weight goal, just an inches goal for my waist and just to be healthier.

That’s about it. Have a great day.

I was wondering if it was strange that when I clear plates at the restaurant and men have shoved their tomatoes aside that I want to lecture them to eat their tomatoes for good prostate health.

I read Alice Sebold’s “The Lovely Bones” yesterday. I woke up thinking about it this morning. It wasn’t a good feeling. I discovered I like things tied up in neat packages. There was so much unresolved injustice in it, but that’s life, and that’s a part of life that I don’t like.  Not to say that it wasn’t beautifully crafted, it was. It really was.

I’m not in a good place today and its been knawing at me for longer than a few days. I have a hearing this week, and I have only heard from Nate’s Guardian At Litem once, and he hasn’t returned any of my phone calls. I know this is something I really have no control over. I’ve done everything I can do… and now we whittle down to the final days and things aren’t done. It drives me nuts and I’m anxious.

The good news is, I lost an inch and a half from my waist. I don’t have scales but I promise myself I’ll get some. I keep telling myself that, but, my weight doesn’t matter to me as much as the size of my waistline. Diabetes runs so strong in my family and having a large waistline contributes to that. I found a great butter called Olivio. Its made with olive oil and it tastes great.

I’ve learned a lot about portion size, what has more fat, more sodium, I’ve bought new foods, developed my own amazing salads, and I’m trying to convert Nate to eating healthier as well.

Speaking of Nate, we had such a good day yesterday. I took him shopping for new shoes. I had to buy him size 11 in men’s for his ginormous foot. Skinny kid, long legs, big, big feet. He got a new vampire book, “The Chronicles of  Vladimir Tod 3 – Tenth Grade Bleeds.”  He was happy. We also got another book about “Twilight.”  He’s such a funny young man. I also got some more of his school supplies. We weren’t the only ones who waited until the last minute. The shopping center was packed!

I’ve also taken up yoga to help with my anxiety and for the health benefits. I really suck at it but I know I’ll get better as I get more flexible.  Trying to get to a good place. I try to concentrate on my son laughing as he says, imitating a cat from a YouTube video, with visuals, “I’m poopin’, I’m poopin’, oop, false alarm.”