Anything Goes

In response to my last post, Kristin wrote: I question my faith when I hear stories like this. How can a caring and loving God do that to an innocent child? How? Trevor is in my prayers.

She touched on something I have thought about numerous times and have even thought to blog about but have deferred. Deferred because it touches on the deepest mystery of our lives - why are we here?

Another question along that same line is: Why do bad things happen to good people and vice versa?

I don’t have an answer for that, only a theory.

I am a woman of faith. Its not a mainstream faith and although I have blogged about religion and my religion, this touches a bit deeper and transcends many faiths.

Kristin’s question I can answer in my own way. Its not scientific at all. Its based on what I’ve read, what I’ve experienced, and something deeper within myself which is difficult to explain.

I’ve blogged about my experiences with spirits and they figure into it as well, and a bit of common sense.

First, no life is wasted on this Earth. While we may see people who have wasted their lives, their life has served a purpose. One theory is that our souls chose their experiences before they descend to Earth so as to gain more and more experience and eventually achieve “nirvana.” I can see this in people. The “old souls” and the “young souls.” I am an old soul yet have met souls older than mine. The young souls are annoying and naive. They’re easily lead and you just want to throttle them. That would be Nate.

And so you may say, “So, I chose to get cancer?” “I chose to have a special needs child?” I chose to be childless?” “I chose this life?” No. Your soul did.

Look back over your life and the things that have happened, either good or bad, which have changed you. I mean, really changed you. How did you grow? Do you still have growing to do?

Another theory is that we pick our parents, biological or not. Think about the process of finding out you will never have a biological child and then the process of adoption. What would one go through? How do people change and grow in these circumstances? What about the child? And his or her biological parents? How did they get where they are? What lessons came from that? Was the child given up at birth? Was the child in a foster family? What about that family? How was their lives changed by that child?

You begin to see the interconnectedness of our lives, our experiences, and how it shapes and molds us. How it guides us and how we learn and indeed, grow as human beings. Without these experiences, we would not grow or learn anything.

This is why I encourage people to face their lives this time around. Whatever mistake we have not learned from we are doomed to repeat. Ever meet someone like that? Who refuses to acknowledge mistakes they’ve made, people they’ve hurt, any culpability in damaging others? Its our responsibility to learn from them as well.

My experiences are varied and I stopped regretting the things I have done and instead decided to learn from them. To learn from the people in my life. How the relationships have affected me, changed me, and I’ve learned how to deal with loss. That is through faith.

I believe in a higher power. I believe that on the other side of the veil, lives those that I have loved. I was watching a dramatization of the life of James Van Praagh. In it, a man was in the hospital room, his living relatives around him when a golden retriever bounded into the room and he sat up in the bed and petted the dog and then got out of the bed and when he turned the corner, there were all of the people who had gone before him waiting on him, welcoming him to the other side. It brought tears to my eyes because, deep in my heart, in my mind’s eye, I know that’s what it will be like.

I’m not sure if any of that made sense or if you caught my drift.

Kristin, I can’t speak for God or any other higher being. I don’t believe that Trevor’s family sees it that way at all. When Trevor is gone, they won’t ask why God made Trevor the way he/she did, they will know why. They will be able to look at their lives and see how this little boy changed them, helped them grow, and showed them how to love unconditionally. And when Trevor crosses over, he will also know that despite his disabilities, the hardships and pain, that he made a difference in the lives he touched. Family, friends, doctors, nurses, social workers, and even you.

Whether any of you accept my explanation is, of course, up to you. But I hope I at least gave you something to think about.

In response to my last post, Kristin wrote: I question my faith when I hear stories like this. How can a caring and loving God do that to an innocent child? How? Trevor is in my prayers.

She touched on something I have thought about numerous times and have even thought to blog about but have deferred. Deferred because it touches on the deepest mystery of our lives - why are we here?

Another question along that same line is: Why do bad things happen to good people and vice versa?

I don’t have an answer for that, only a theory.

I am a woman of faith. Its not a mainstream faith and although I have blogged about religion and my religion, this touches a bit deeper and transcends many faiths.

Kristin’s question I can answer in my own way. Its not scientific at all. Its based on what I’ve read, what I’ve experienced, and something deeper within myself which is difficult to explain.

I’ve blogged about my experiences with spirits and they figure into it as well, and a bit of common sense.

First, no life is wasted on this Earth. While we may see people who have wasted their lives, their life has served a purpose. One theory is that our souls chose their experiences before they descend to Earth so as to gain more and more experience and eventually achieve “nirvana.” I can see this in people. The “old souls” and the “young souls.” I am an old soul yet have met souls older than mine. The young souls are annoying and naive. They’re easily lead and you just want to throttle them. That would be Nate.

And so you may say, “So, I chose to get cancer?” “I chose to have a special needs child?” I chose to be childless?” “I chose this life?” No. Your soul did.

Look back over your life and the things that have happened, either good or bad, which have changed you. I mean, really changed you. How did you grow? Do you still have growing to do?

Another theory is that we pick our parents, biological or not. Think about the process of finding out you will never have a biological child and then the process of adoption. What would one go through? How do people change and grow in these circumstances? What about the child? And his or her biological parents? How did they get where they are? What lessons came from that? Was the child given up at birth? Was the child in a foster family? What about that family? How was their lives changed by that child?

You begin to see the interconnectedness of our lives, our experiences, and how it shapes and molds us. How it guides us and how we learn and indeed, grow as human beings. Without these experiences, we would not grow or learn anything.

This is why I encourage people to face their lives this time around. Whatever mistake we have not learned from we are doomed to repeat. Ever meet someone like that? Who refuses to acknowledge mistakes they’ve made, people they’ve hurt, any culpability in damaging others? Its our responsibility to learn from them as well.

My experiences are varied and I stopped regretting the things I have done and instead decided to learn from them. To learn from the people in my life. How the relationships have affected me, changed me, and I’ve learned how to deal with loss. That is through faith.

I believe in a higher power. I believe that on the other side of the veil, lives those that I have loved. I was watching a dramatization of the life of James Van Praagh. In it, a man was in the hospital room, his living relatives around him when a golden retriever bounded into the room and he sat up in the bed and petted the dog and then got out of the bed and when he turned the corner, there were all of the people who had gone before him waiting on him, welcoming him to the other side. It brought tears to my eyes because, deep in my heart, in my mind’s eye, I know that’s what it will be like.

I’m not sure if any of that made sense or if you caught my drift.

Kristin, I can’t speak for God or any other higher being. I don’t believe that Trevor’s family sees it that way at all. When Trevor is gone, they won’t ask why God made Trevor the way he/she did, they will know why. They will be able to look at their lives and see how this little boy changed them, helped them grow, and showed them how to love unconditionally. And when Trevor crosses over, he will also know that despite his disabilities, the hardships and pain, that he made a difference in the lives he touched. Family, friends, doctors, nurses, social workers, and even you.

Whether any of you accept my explanation is, of course, up to you. But I hope I at least gave you something to think about.

Bobby is a man I know. He works on lawyer row as a maintenance man. That’s a generalized version of what he does and for lack of better wording this time of the night. Bobby is about 50 years old, has a daughter, Jess, a few years younger than me, and a grandson, Trevor, a few years younger than Nate.

Bobby did a double take on the street this morning when he saw me. Love his heart. He laughed and gave me a big hug. I asked about Trevor, as I always do. See, Trevor is special. He has cerebral palsy and has suffered debilitating seizures his entire life, at least up until a few months ago. Trevor has other medical issues as well, ones which I won’t go into here. He’s endured quite a few surgeries and right now his feeding tube is staying inflamed and ulcerated.

They’re going to put a tube down his nose and into his small intestine in an effort to get him stabilized and to gain weight. One of the many hurdles that little Trevor has faced in his short life. Bobby and I talked today about… letting go.

He said Jess had told him she just wasn’t going to allow them to operate anymore and she filled out a DNR, or Do Not Resuscitate order. Bobby’s voice broke as he related this to me and how difficult he knew doing that was for his daughter. The doctor has said he doesn’t want to have to do surgery anymore either because each time its taking longer and longer for Trevor to heal. He told Bobby that this may be the beginning of Trevor’s body shutting down. This is what they’ve been fighting against. I said that sometimes love means letting go.

Then Bobby related a story to me. He said he’s been doing outside work for a mechanic who is also working on Bobby’s four-wheeler and Bobby has been asking how much time it will take and how much it will cost. Finally, the gentleman told Bobby. It will take as long as it takes, and it will cost as much as it costs. It will be what it is, and there’s nothing you can do about it. He said that’s how he sees Trevor. It is what it is and what will happen, will happen, and there’s nothing he can do about it.

I’m confidant that Bobby, Jess, and Trevor’s doctors have done everything that is humanly possible for Trevor. They see to his needs, improve his quality of life, and most importantly, love him for simply being Trevor. Yet they also see … it may be time. They see that they are only mere mortals and that Trevor’s life and the lessons he has brought, have never been in their hands.

Trevor and where he and his family are right now reminds me of the Sarah McLachlan song - “Angel” and that’s where I’ll leave you tonight -

In the arms of the Angel far away from here
From this dark, cold hotel room, and the endlessness that you fear
You are pulled from the wreckage of your silent reverie
In the arms of the Angel; may you find some comfort here

You’re in the arms of the Angel; may you find some comfort here

Bobby is a man I know. He works on lawyer row as a maintenance man. That’s a generalized version of what he does and for lack of better wording this time of the night. Bobby is about 50 years old, has a daughter, Jess, a few years younger than me, and a grandson, Trevor, a few years younger than Nate.

Bobby did a double take on the street this morning when he saw me. Love his heart. He laughed and gave me a big hug. I asked about Trevor, as I always do. See, Trevor is special. He has cerebral palsy and has suffered debilitating seizures his entire life, at least up until a few months ago. Trevor has other medical issues as well, ones which I won’t go into here. He’s endured quite a few surgeries and right now his feeding tube is staying inflamed and ulcerated.

They’re going to put a tube down his nose and into his small intestine in an effort to get him stabilized and to gain weight. One of the many hurdles that little Trevor has faced in his short life. Bobby and I talked today about… letting go.

He said Jess had told him she just wasn’t going to allow them to operate anymore and she filled out a DNR, or Do Not Resuscitate order. Bobby’s voice broke as he related this to me and how difficult he knew doing that was for his daughter. The doctor has said he doesn’t want to have to do surgery anymore either because each time its taking longer and longer for Trevor to heal. He told Bobby that this may be the beginning of Trevor’s body shutting down. This is what they’ve been fighting against. I said that sometimes love means letting go.

Then Bobby related a story to me. He said he’s been doing outside work for a mechanic who is also working on Bobby’s four-wheeler and Bobby has been asking how much time it will take and how much it will cost. Finally, the gentleman told Bobby. It will take as long as it takes, and it will cost as much as it costs. It will be what it is, and there’s nothing you can do about it. He said that’s how he sees Trevor. It is what it is and what will happen, will happen, and there’s nothing he can do about it.

I’m confidant that Bobby, Jess, and Trevor’s doctors have done everything that is humanly possible for Trevor. They see to his needs, improve his quality of life, and most importantly, love him for simply being Trevor. Yet they also see … it may be time. They see that they are only mere mortals and that Trevor’s life and the lessons he has brought, have never been in their hands.

Trevor and where he and his family are right now reminds me of the Sarah McLachlan song - “Angel” and that’s where I’ll leave you tonight -

In the arms of the Angel far away from here
From this dark, cold hotel room, and the endlessness that you fear
You are pulled from the wreckage of your silent reverie
In the arms of the Angel; may you find some comfort here

You’re in the arms of the Angel; may you find some comfort here

Louisiana

Not lookin’ too good down there. My aunt lives about 20 miles Southwest of New Orleans and my cousin lives directly north of Lake Ponchartrain. They are currently, as of the last time we could get in touch with them, in Lafayette, or rather, on their way to Lafayette. I’m sure they’re wondering what they will come home to. As I stated before, my cousin just had gatric bypass on Wednesday. I’m sure she felt like fleeing a hurricane and then coming home to ????

The Peach Has Lost her Fuzz

Sounded downright dirty didn’t it? Inspired by Lois, I got my hair cut and am donating to Locks of Love. No, I don’t have any pictures right now because my son lost the batteries to the digi cam. Let’s just say… its short in the back and long in the front. Schexy Peach!

First Day of School

It poured the rain two minutes before we were supposed to leave the house. I have filled out the 400 forms and given my drop of blood. Nate is hyper!!! I’m exhausted. I’m going to bed.

Louisiana

Not lookin’ too good down there. My aunt lives about 20 miles Southwest of New Orleans and my cousin lives directly north of Lake Ponchartrain. They are currently, as of the last time we could get in touch with them, in Lafayette, or rather, on their way to Lafayette. I’m sure they’re wondering what they will come home to. As I stated before, my cousin just had gatric bypass on Wednesday. I’m sure she felt like fleeing a hurricane and then coming home to ????

The Peach Has Lost her Fuzz

Sounded downright dirty didn’t it? Inspired by Lois, I got my hair cut and am donating to Locks of Love. No, I don’t have any pictures right now because my son lost the batteries to the digi cam. Let’s just say… its short in the back and long in the front. Schexy Peach!

First Day of School

It poured the rain two minutes before we were supposed to leave the house. I have filled out the 400 forms and given my drop of blood. Nate is hyper!!! I’m exhausted. I’m going to bed.

Enter Rant Mode (apologies to Brighton and Tsarina)

I went today to finish getting my little Nate ready for school. I whipped out his handy dandy supply list.

$3 for his assignment book for the 1st semester. (Hrrmmmm)
Two composition books (black and white and sewn at the seams)
Wide-ruled loose leaf notebook paper (to go in the…)
Two-inch, three-ring binder with subject dividers
Pencils, pencil sharpener, and pencil pouch (can’t reuse that old pencil box from last year!)
Erasable blue or black pens
Highlighter (what for? He’s 9!)
Crayons (got a shitload of those)
Set of fat water-based markers (Why? I just got him crayons)
Set of colored pencils (Why? I just bought him crayons and fat markers)
Four folders (with pockets and 3 hole bindings) - but I just bought him a three ring binder…
Four single subject spiral notebooks (but I just bought him a three ring binder WITH dividers AND notebook paper!)
A dictionary for home to do homework - (dictionary.com… okay, okay, I actually do have a real dictionary and one for him as well)
A backpack or book bag (DUH! How the hell is he supposed to carry all of this shit?)
AND a box of sandwich-sized Ziploc baggies (She got generic)

So. All this shit. And in two days I’ll receive a note asking me to please remit my $3. By the end of the week, they’ll send a note home telling me how Nate wants to sharpen every pencil he owns. And by the end of the 2nd week, I’ll have a flyer (or two) for fundraisers. By the end of the month the PTA or PTO or LSIC or whatever the fuck they are, will want me to give them money to vote for stuff. And the teachers are already in an uproar because the Gov-nah has said, “No new raises for state employees right now… special legislative session, yada yada,” so they’ll want us to vote for a levy and then my property taxes will go up. By the end of the 2nd month, I’ll get THE NOTE stating that Nate doesn’t do this and Nate doesn’t do that, which has been documented since Kindergarten that he’s ADHD and documented since last year that he has a writing disability and they are supposed to make allowances for that but basically and the just of the matter is… I need to teach him at home.

NOW, WHERE THE FUCK IS ALL OF MY TAX MONEY GOING?

WHERE IS ALL OF THE FUCKING LOTTERY MONEY GOING? THE MILLIONS OF DOLLARS THAT WAS SUPPOSED TO SUPPORT EDUCATION? WHAT A CROCK OF SHIT!

And then, they’ll nickle and dime me to death over the Math-A-Thon, the Jump-A-Thon, the Walk-A-Thon, help pay for a school bus, $2 here, $3 there… Jebus H. Christ peeps, gimme a break!! Where are our PARTNERS IN EDUCATION?? Now you want my boxtops and soup labels???

You dumbasses!! I can’t afford to buy name brand shit now, you already took my money for everything else and I’M STILL THE ONE EDUCATING MY CHILD!!

I NEED A DRINK!!!

End of rant

Pray for our friends and family in New Orleans and the Gulf Coast. I’ve been trying to get through to my cousin, who just had gastric bypass surgery on Wednesday, to no avail. Looks like Seven has hit the dirty and dusty (soon to be flooded) trail northward and we wish you good luck.

Enter Rant Mode (apologies to Brighton and Tsarina)

I went today to finish getting my little Nate ready for school. I whipped out his handy dandy supply list.

$3 for his assignment book for the 1st semester. (Hrrmmmm)
Two composition books (black and white and sewn at the seams)
Wide-ruled loose leaf notebook paper (to go in the…)
Two-inch, three-ring binder with subject dividers
Pencils, pencil sharpener, and pencil pouch (can’t reuse that old pencil box from last year!)
Erasable blue or black pens
Highlighter (what for? He’s 9!)
Crayons (got a shitload of those)
Set of fat water-based markers (Why? I just got him crayons)
Set of colored pencils (Why? I just bought him crayons and fat markers)
Four folders (with pockets and 3 hole bindings) - but I just bought him a three ring binder…
Four single subject spiral notebooks (but I just bought him a three ring binder WITH dividers AND notebook paper!)
A dictionary for home to do homework - (dictionary.com… okay, okay, I actually do have a real dictionary and one for him as well)
A backpack or book bag (DUH! How the hell is he supposed to carry all of this shit?)
AND a box of sandwich-sized Ziploc baggies (She got generic)

So. All this shit. And in two days I’ll receive a note asking me to please remit my $3. By the end of the week, they’ll send a note home telling me how Nate wants to sharpen every pencil he owns. And by the end of the 2nd week, I’ll have a flyer (or two) for fundraisers. By the end of the month the PTA or PTO or LSIC or whatever the fuck they are, will want me to give them money to vote for stuff. And the teachers are already in an uproar because the Gov-nah has said, “No new raises for state employees right now… special legislative session, yada yada,” so they’ll want us to vote for a levy and then my property taxes will go up. By the end of the 2nd month, I’ll get THE NOTE stating that Nate doesn’t do this and Nate doesn’t do that, which has been documented since Kindergarten that he’s ADHD and documented since last year that he has a writing disability and they are supposed to make allowances for that but basically and the just of the matter is… I need to teach him at home.

NOW, WHERE THE FUCK IS ALL OF MY TAX MONEY GOING?

WHERE IS ALL OF THE FUCKING LOTTERY MONEY GOING? THE MILLIONS OF DOLLARS THAT WAS SUPPOSED TO SUPPORT EDUCATION? WHAT A CROCK OF SHIT!

And then, they’ll nickle and dime me to death over the Math-A-Thon, the Jump-A-Thon, the Walk-A-Thon, help pay for a school bus, $2 here, $3 there… Jebus H. Christ peeps, gimme a break!! Where are our PARTNERS IN EDUCATION?? Now you want my boxtops and soup labels???

You dumbasses!! I can’t afford to buy name brand shit now, you already took my money for everything else and I’M STILL THE ONE EDUCATING MY CHILD!!

I NEED A DRINK!!!

End of rant

Pray for our friends and family in New Orleans and the Gulf Coast. I’ve been trying to get through to my cousin, who just had gastric bypass surgery on Wednesday, to no avail. Looks like Seven has hit the dirty and dusty (soon to be flooded) trail northward and we wish you good luck.

Just another day in the damn neighborhood. If I had any less enthusiasm I would turn into a slug and leave a trail of slimey goo behind me. I’m editing/re-writing one of my novellas. I was reading the end of it today and I smiled. I love the ending. Its going to be extremely heavy on the re-write. But its going to be better.

I’m so very tired. But I’m not. I’m restless. How can you be tired and restless at the same time? Because my cat is meowing and irritating me? Because I want a huge thunderstorm to wash away all the shit I don’t want to deal with? Because I’m in love and he’s there and I’m here? Because I have a freakin’ tooth ache? Because my sinsuses are bothering me because the change of seasons is already on us? Because I can’t seem to sleep well, even in my own bed?

G-ddamnit people, its time to kick some ass and take some names. I can’t live in these doldrums. I HAVE to make something happen. I have to.

I will.

Just another day in the damn neighborhood. If I had any less enthusiasm I would turn into a slug and leave a trail of slimey goo behind me. I’m editing/re-writing one of my novellas. I was reading the end of it today and I smiled. I love the ending. Its going to be extremely heavy on the re-write. But its going to be better.

I’m so very tired. But I’m not. I’m restless. How can you be tired and restless at the same time? Because my cat is meowing and irritating me? Because I want a huge thunderstorm to wash away all the shit I don’t want to deal with? Because I’m in love and he’s there and I’m here? Because I have a freakin’ tooth ache? Because my sinsuses are bothering me because the change of seasons is already on us? Because I can’t seem to sleep well, even in my own bed?

G-ddamnit people, its time to kick some ass and take some names. I can’t live in these doldrums. I HAVE to make something happen. I have to.

I will.